A Variety of Thoughts About Everything

 ... you have to change the things in your life. Or, as we say in recovery, "If nothing changes then nothing changes". For a long time in my life I was trying to control the chaos around me by controlling all the people, places, events, and situations that were going on around me. I used the many tools manipulation to the absolute best of my ability. And failed. Completely. It never occurred to me that I would need to change myself, along with the people, places, and things around me. Because Change was a big, nasty, scary word with MEANING. And that meaning was Bad. And, in time, I came to a place of utter desperation where I had a choice, either do something radically different or just die and get it over with. And it was a razors edge difference in a just barely stronger will to live that won out in the end. And I had to give up control in order to do this. That was not fun. Nor was it easy. So I began to change the things in my life. I no longer hung out with the people t...

 I was watching a Youtube video the other day about the person's view of what the movie "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty", the 2013 version, really means. And they did well in explaining their view and why they thought of that. I may or may not go into that at some future time. And in one moment they got into the statement of purpose of Life magazine which is as follows: "To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, to draw closer, to find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of LIFE." Now that is a pretty bold statement of purpose.  In order for me to better understand I am going to break this down for myself. "To see the world". And, in this context, I take it as not just looking at it. I see this as in actually Seeing it. As in the old greeting "I See You". And that greeting says, to me, that I see and accept all of you as you are and are not. To See the world in that context is a very bold undertaking. "...

 There is, and have been, family visiting. Over the last few weeks there have been a lot of family visiting. And, to be clear, these are all people that I love and who's company I genuinely enjoy. They are extending invitations for me to join them in activities. And they are not asking me to do anything that I don't, usually, like doing. And I am finding myself really not wanting to do these things at all. So what the f**k is wrong with me? Wrong question. The real question is "What the f**k is going on with me"? So, there is a lot going on with me. And for the most part it has to do with I am really "unwell" financially and it effecting every area of my life. Including my mood and etc. Most visibly, I do not want to interact with people at all. And little things that would not normally be a deal are just irritating as hell. And other things that are minorly irritating that usually I handle without a lot of stress are just majorly irritating and I am biting ...

I was reading one of those things that have been showing up on my Social Media pages lately that are "inspiring" stories of people throwing off chains that have been forged by "family obligations". I usually find them interesting in that the lengths that the people in these stories have allowed themselves to get to in order to be manipulated is usually pretty fantastic. Not saying that it cannot, or does not, happen to that extent, I just find it amazing that people have this little self awareness that they allow themselves to be put into these positions. And I digress. Near the end of one of these stories the protagonist said "Martyrdom is just control in a nicer outfit". That landed for me pretty heavily. I could identify with the statement for a lot of different reasons. I have been a person that manipulates others, in a very nasty way, in order to get what I want from them. And I have, at times, been surrounded by people who manipulate me in order for ...