Too Much!!!

 A little while ago I got off the phone with a friend. It was a continuation of a, rather heated, discussion that began at an event last night.

The discussion landed for me as a continuation of me be told by people my entire life that "You are too loud. You are too intense. You cannot be like that. It makes me uncomfortable".

Because I have had that told to me for as long as I can remember. Or, at least, that is how I have perceived it and how it has felt to me. 😇

And for most of my life I have tried to fit into these boxes of what other people have told me that I need to be. Quieter. Less intense. Less assertive. And I never was able to form any connection with my authentic self in that way of Being. When Being what I am told that I should be then it is impossible to Be who I really am.

After a lot of years of Being a Fraud I finally began the process of Recovery. For me this recovery is the practice of the 12 Steps of Narcotics Anonymous. I have done some other things as well, the 12 Steps are my Foundation.

And in this process I discovered that Yes, I am Loud. I am Intense. I care a LOT about what I care about and not at all about what I don't care about. This is Who I am. And it is impossible for me to be anyone else. I have tried and it just does not work. I will die trying to be someone else. As the saying goes, "Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken".

So now my fight is to not go to the other extreme. "I am who I am and you just need to accept that". Because, while that is true, it is also another way of being In-Authentic. By pretending that everything that I do is just me and it does not matter if you are hurt by that I am continuing the practice of Pretending to be Someone else. Because while "What other people think of me is none of my business" is very true and can free me to be my Authentic self, when taken to the extreme that is just another way of Being totally In-Authentic by allowing myself to be brutal to others in the name of My Freedom. That is just Bullying. And I have been bullied and I have been a Bully and I hate Bullies.

So how to walk that line of being Me while being Kind. Because ultimately if we can be Authentically kind to others while being Authentically Ourselves then we can make the world a much better place.

I think that it begins when we can recognize that when being told something, either True or False, about myself from another that what is being said is ultimately not about me. It is about the others perception of me based on their own unresolved issues. And the uncomfortable feeling that I am experiencing is not about them, it is totally about me and my unresolved issues.

Because when it is all about them I am NOT in control of my life. I have no ownership over my life. And I have no Power at all. It is only when I am responsible for my own actions and reactions that I can Own my life and have Power to affect my life. And then I can be comfortable inside my own skin and put my head on the pillow at night in Peace and sleep restfully and well.

And at the end of the day is that not what we all want?