They come and they go. And a few stay...

 In my job today I went to install Internet service at a person's place of business. I recognized the name as soon as I saw it. This is a person with whom I have had no interactions in at least 18 to 19 years. I got to the place of business and was not recognized. Dropped a couple of hints and then heard my name. Was fun.

Throughout the job, in between me doing mine and them cleaning and prepping and such, we caught up on life etc. That was nice.

And tonight it has had me thinking about all the people who have come and gone in my life over time. And the few who have come back later. And the ones who have stayed through it all. That being Family.

I was also thinking about those that I miss. More than a few of them I have no idea what ever happened to them, where they are in their lives, or if they are alive.

One of the ones that I thought of was a short man that I knew a long time ago in Canada. We were homeless at the time and our fave activity was trying to forget how cold and miserable we were by drinking alcohol, smoking pot, or indulging in any other substance that we could get our hands on.

I watched him get hit when staggering across Dundas Street in Oakville ON one day as we were wasted. He was flipped over the car completely it was driving so fast. Very bloody and out cold. The old lady driving said she never saw him.

I called the Hospital every day for about 3 weeks and then stopped. Every day they told me he was still in a coma. I was afraid that one day they were going to tell me he was dead. So I stopped.

The only reason I am alive today is because people, mostly family, let me stay when any other person, and most did, would say get lost.

Like the United States Army. For 18 months they tried with me. And finally they realized that no matter what they did I was not going to stop doing as I was doing because I was not ready. So they said that I had to go.

I tried every way there was, except becoming a better person who was not killing himself on the installment plan using substances, to have friends, lovers, companions. To have Relationships. I never knew that I could not have good relationships because I did not know how to be a part of a good relationship. All that I knew was bad relationships.

Finally, after a long time of trying to force my way onto the Universe, I stopped. I stopped using substances completely. It took me years to get that I also stopped trying to die. I stopped running away from living and people. I stopped being a candidate for an early and lonely grave.

So for the last two decades and a half I have been learning how to LIVE. How to have Relationships. Even a Romantic relationship. And I have had to learn how to be Relatable. To be a person that others, who are good and decent people, would want to have a relationship with. I am still working on that one.

I have also had to learn how to let people go. Some relationships will reach their expiration date and I have had to learn how to let go instead of cling on with desperate fury. To let people that I love go. That can be painful.

So today I have some wonderful people in my life. Some of them show up in my life off and on and I am glad to share time with them. Some people are there very consistently and I am grateful to have them there. And a few are just there no matter what and I have  special bond with them.

And now, the Fam. I do not always Love you as well as I am able, and I do. I sometimes get really irritated with you and have to work to get past it. And there are a few that I just do not have a relationship with. Will that change in the Future? Almost certainly. How? Who the hell knows.

You all, my Fam, have been the ones who are always there. For good or bad, better or worse, you are it. Could I be a better Son, Brother, Uncle, Nephew, etc? Absolutely. And hopefully, as time passes, I will learn to become that.

And the few people that I have known since we were children? And you know who you are. Could I have been a better friend? ABSOLUTELY!!! For a long time I did not know how. Today I am learning and getting better, I hope. I am counting on you to let me know if not.

And for those of you who have showed up in the last 25years. I owe my life to you. Because you took this scared and lonely child disguised as man and have taught, and continue to teach, me how to live. Some of you are no longer among the living, some of you have departed for parts unknown, some of you we have just drifted apart, and some of you are still here. Still a part of this wonderful dance called life and dance some of that with me.

To all of you, Thank You for teaching me how to live, love, laugh, cry, and persevere. Without you none of the above would be possible. Without you I would be in a forgotten grave by now instead of living and having the chance to be in relationship with you and all the others.

Thank You All.