Tired or Exhausted

 It has been about a week since I last wrote anything. And this has not been because I have not had anything to say. Nope. When have I ever NOT had something to say? 😁 I always have something to say.

It is because last weekend I had, while a very wonderful time with Family remembering my Aunt Rusty, a very stressful weekend. Not a lot of sleep with a lot of travelling.

And then had a very full week of work. I was into overtime hours by Thursday afternoon.

Between the two things I did not get a lot of sleep, and there was a lot of driving. I drive a company car and I get sent all over the place to do what I do. Not complaining. Setting the scene.

As the week went on I found myself getting more and more tired. And during that I noticed that as I got tired my ability to effectively think about my job, my life, what I wanted to do in the world, was steadily diminishing.

Little things were taking longer and bigger things were causing almost total shutdown. I got thru it all, and just barely. I also found myself having to bite my tongue more than once as I was getting really irritable over stupid little things. Things that I would normally not get that exited about.

So yesterday and today, Saturday and Sunday, I slept pretty late. It felt good. And, I am still finding myself fatigued. I am not as young as I used to be. And I do not bounce back as easily as I remember I did either.

I am forced to admit that I allowed myself to go beyond merely being Tired and into total Exhaustion. And how easy it was to do this. In just keeping up with my personal and professional commitments I got whipsawed.

Family and remembering my Aunt, no way was I going to miss that.

And then work just got crazy. I found myself running and not taking the time needed to recover. And in just paying attention to all the outside things that I needed to pay attention to I lost sight of me and my needs. My need for Rest, as I am no longer the youngster that can go 36+ hours and sleep 8 and be fine.

And was I ever really that after all?

I am now reflecting on how often in life have I lost track of me and my needs in trying to take care of all the outside commitments that I have made? How often have I told myself that I am tired and will be ok when really I am exhausted and about to make some really dumb choices because I have no capacity left to recognize that I am feeling a certain way over nothing? How often have I allowed myself to get so busy outside that I can no longer see inside?

The answer I find is uncountable. I have a lifetime habit of this. Not being able to slow down and take care of me for a moment because I am so focused out there.

And I am reminded of something that I have told others for years, "You have to take care of yourself first. Because if you do not you are useless to others". And, "If you die today the add for your job will be out before your obituary".

Fine words. True words. Yet the application of them in my own life is so often lacking. Again proving, I need others much more than they need me. I need to be able to communicate effectively and honestly with others so that they can see me. After all, I can see you coming, I cannot see myself coming. I need you for that.

So I have no idea what this is. I just wrote because I needed to see my own words in order to see something about myself. I hope that you get something out of this. I know that I did.