Who Wooda Thunk It?

 For years I have not liked driving on the highway. I have always felt rushed and hurried, a double negative if I ever saw one, whenever I drive on Interstates. I will add time to a journey whenever possible in order to avoid the interstate.

So today I drove from my house in Vermont to a place in Connecticut, a little over a three hour journey, where it was almost entirely Interstate driving. Pretty much unavoidable.

I usually drive at 7 to 8 miles above the speed limit on the highway. It is something that I have done forever. Because I am "always" rushed and hurried.

So today I made a different choice. I chose to drive the speed limit the entire way down. The whole three plus hours of it. I was going to do this and see what it was like.

Some very interesting things happened because of this.

The first thing was, I did not feel rushed and hurried. For the first time in my history I actually was relaxed while driving on the Interstate. Interesting...

And then I noticed that I was a lot more present to what was happening all around me. Instead of focusing on everything in front of me to make sure that I could get by the people that I needed to and avoid the "idiots" that so infest the Interstate, I was aware of everything around me, yet not emotionally invested in any of it. Relaxed is the term that comes to mind.

And, instead of speeding up to pass people going too slow I found everyone passing me. And I was fine with that. And if I needed to slow down a little to let someone in then I did and was fine with that as well. Me? Willingly going under the speed limit and not getting agitated? Really? WOW!!!

And as all this was going on I found myself thinking about all the other places where I hurry and miss so much of what is going on around me, and thus miss huge parts of my life. Alas, there are so many.

For it turns out that I am just as prone to being anywhere except where and when my feet are. Trying to arrange a future in some fashion which never turns out the way I want, and miss everything that is HERE and NOW. Destination Fixation at it's finest.

And where do I find myself paying the biggest penalties for this? In my Relationships of course. When one is focused ahead of oneself it is very hard to be present with ones mate, parent, sibling, other family members, friends, co-workers, etc.

And, if one does not come back to the present, then one finds oneself alone. All those relationships will have said No More. Because I know I do not hang out with people who do not show me that they are invested in this relationship, so why in the world would I expect anyone else to stay in a relationship with me when I am not present, not invested? I should not expect any such thing.

It is funny, my Father used to say this really annoying thing, "My budget has no room in it for speeding tickets". Used to really annoy me.

Many years later I got that on the financial level. I found I had, and still do not have, any room financially for that. 

What if there is a deeper meaning to this though? What if my Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual budgets have no room in them for speeding tickets? What if the price I have been paying for rushing around to the future was too high and I had just been totally unaware of it?

Because I have noticed lately that my physical health, which I have been aware is not the greatest, is starting to break down more that I thought it had.

Mentally, I am tired a lot more that I have been and my thinking is starting to feel sluggish.

Emotionally I am all over the map. And have been for a few years.

Spiritually I am still ok as far as I can tell. Yet I am beginning to wonder if there is not more to be revealed.

See what happens when I am left alone to drive long distances and try new ways of being while doing it? I begin to think and experience new things. Always dangerous :-)

So like so many things that I have written lately, I have no idea where this is going or what the end result is going to be, or if there is even going to be an "end" result. And the not knowing the outcome is becoming less frightening to me also. I just know that this is an ongoing discussion that I must have in order to grow.

And I am inviting you all to come along with in this discussion.

Could be a Heck of a ride.