By Myself? Or Alone?

 When looking back on my life there is not a time where I felt as if I ever really fit in. There was something profoundly different, wrong, about me and I did not fit. The oddball.

And that was with my Family, when I went to school, or any other place. No matter how hard I tried, and I did, I was never really, in my mind, a Part Of. I was always Apart From.

And over the years I made many choices based on that feeling of Being Alone. It colored every aspect of my life. I was always trying to fit in and never quite achieving it.

And, of course, when one Is a certain way and making choices based on Being that way everything that is done only provides more evidence of how correct I really am.

I somehow managed for several years in my 7th and 8th grades of schooling to have these friends that I hung out with. Myself, Ed, Bill, Mike, and Dave. We were for some years around each other all the time.

And like all of my other relationships, they did not last. Over the years we drifted apart.

I tried many things to break this pattern. To Belong somewhere. I tried Job Corps when I was 18 years old. Got told after 6 and a half months that I had to go. I tried the Army when I was 19 years old. Got told I had to go after 18 months. I tried Romantic relationships only to pick people who were as damaged in their minds as I was in mine. Never lasted.

I tried to stay high as I could for about 22 years which contributed to every negative thing that I ever thought about myself. Which was everything that I thought about myself.

The way I saw my life, when looking back on it, was I was a person way over here looking at all of you way over there living your life, and I could never figure out how to get over there with you and live a life. My life was passing me by and I had no way to live it. I just existed.

Then a funny thing happened. I went to a 12 Step Recovery meeting. I heard people talking about their lives and I heard my life in that. I was Identifying, even though I had no idea that was what it was. I began to think that just maybe, possibly, I could fit in with these folks. If they would have me. And a total miracle, they kept telling me to "Keep coming back". Nobody had said that in a LOOONNNNGGG time. SO I did.

And gradually the sense of Loneliness and Isolation from the Universe and Life began to fade. I discovered the World around me and began to see that I could be a Part Of after all.

And I began to develop real Relationships with my Family of Birth. And I began to discover that they had always Loved me and Accepted me, they did not always understand me, in fact rarely did, because of me not them, and that I was a Member and Belong with them as well.

And as I began learning how to belong, by getting in touch with Who I Am thru the 12 Steps and let go of the Creation of Myself that I had fashioned, I kept learning how to belong in other places as well.

And I began to learn the places where I should not try to belong as well. These places were such that I would have to betray who I am in order to belong and I was no longer willing to be the person who could and would do that.

I also have learned that I am capable of backsliding as well. Sometimes I need to ask myself, "Am I being with myself at this time or am I being alone at this time?" I can be with myself and be fine, or I can be alone and miserable. And sometimes I do not know the difference.

I got out of work today and it was hot. I was hot. And I jumped on my motorcycle and burned of 98 miles and change. Just cruising.

Now I do a lot of solo riding. And I find that fun. However, I have begun to ask myself, am I doing solo riding to be with myself or am I doing solo riding because it is easier that trying to get riding partners and being rejected "yet again"?

Am I being by myself? Or am I being alone?

I do not know yet what the answer is. I know that I spend a lot of my time by myself in my life, not just in riding, and I am beginning to wonder, is that time needed to refresh or is that resignation to I am just going to always end up alone?

Great Question. And when I have an answer I will probably write about that as well.