Friends and Traditions

 I have this friend that I have known since the summer of 1989. He is quite possibly the best friend that I have in the world even though we are very different people.

And I have developed a tradition with this friend, beginning in 2002 I think when I moved out to San Diego for a couple of years.

And this is when in an unusual place I would call him up and ask him "So, where do you think I am now?" and then usually give a little evil laugh.

He would make some wildly improbable guess and then I would laugh and tell him where I was. Once in Petco Park watching a Baseball game. Once from the NA World Convention in San Antonio TX while at the ZZ Top concert. Etc...

Sometimes I have to leave him a voicemail, and I ask the question, give a cackle, and then tell him. Like over Labor Day Weekend recently, when I left him a voicemail telling him I had ridden my motorcycle to Hampton Beach NH and was looking at the Ocean.

He has told me many times that he loves travelling the world vicariously with me. And I love getting a laugh from him when I am in some improbable place. It serves us both.

And thinking about this I have begun looking at other traditions with friends that I have developed over the years. Some of them not nice ones at all. A lot of them just diminishing ones.

One of the ones that I am looking at is how many times with a lot of people I remained silent when I should have spoken because I did not want to cause any trouble. In reality I was worried they would tell me to go and I would be friendless.

I put up with a lot of abuse because I was willing to accommodate behaviors that today I will not accept just because we were "friends". I did not know really what friendship is and was incapable of having or being a friend. So I stayed in these "friendships" that were totally wrong for all of us.

I also remember pressuring people to behave in certain ways because this was the way this group of "friends" acted and if you wanted to be a member then you had to be like us or else. So I was a craven bully who could no stand up for others. Just to fit in.

So over the years my friendship traditions have morphed. As I have gotten better at being a friend what I am willing to accept from myself and others in the name of friendship has gotten much healthier. And so have all my relationships with others.

And in closing I want to Thank Angela. Those of you who know, know. She taught me what is acceptable behavior in a Romantic relationship. What Traditions are worth keeping and what should be discarded.

The First one that I had to discard was not trusting. I wanted to be trusted so I had to learn how to trust. And she did not make this hard.

I also had to let go of control. I wanted to control every aspect of things, and while I was learning how to so this in other aspects of my life, in this setting it took some extra effort. I had to learn that if I am in control then the other has no breathing room and the relationship will die.

And finally, the tradition of knowing. I had to give up knowing what is best for everyone. Especially her. Acceptance had to become my way of being. I still struggle with that at times.

In every long term relationship we develop Traditions, ways of Being, in that relationship. Some healthy and wonderful, some not. And some merely Meh.

The trick is, for me today, to see myself in those relationships and see what works and what does not, through both sets of eyes. Just because this works for me, does it truly work for the other? And am I willing to have a, sometimes painful and uncomfortable, conversation with them and find out the truth?

Because that is the Tradition that I want in my Relationships today. Authentic Truth with a willingness to be uncomfortable if that is what is required to find out the authentic truth. That is it. I am better at this some days and not so good in others. A work in progress.

Another tradition I and my friend have is at the end of every conversation we tell each other that we love them.

So what Traditions are you practicing in your relationships? Are they serving this relationship and if not what will you do? Do you tell the people you Love that you Love them?

These are some of the questions that I am asking today of myself. I invite you to ask them of your self. It can be painful, yet in the end, a wonderful result can be had.

I Love You All