Talking versus Communicating

 I grew up in a very large family. And we were a very loud, noisy, lot. We talked, yelled, shouted, a lot. There was noise wherever we went.

Yet, I learned, and I suspect the others did as well, very early in life to not communicate. To stay away from feelings, or anything real about who I am in this world.

So I spent years out in the world making a lot of noise. People who knew me back then knew me as a loud and sometimes obnoxious person who made a lot of racket.

Yet I was essentially alone. I was a chameleon who could be anyone but myself in an effort to fit in. I made a lot of noise with my mouth trying to get you to like me only to drive you away. I no longer knew the difference between Truth and Fantasy as I had been spinning fantasies to create the person that you would like that I had lost track of the truth many years before.

And I was a lyer. I was lying all the time to myself about who I am and I lied to you because I had lost the ability to not lie to you. I told lies at times when the truth would have worked out for me so much better because I had no idea how to not do this.

And everybody except myself knew this. I had people tell me, to my face, " I know when your lying Kevin. Your lips are moving". And yet, I believed that I was essentially an honest man.

And I ended up alone. As I had always been. No one wanted to have me around. My Mum did because she loves me. And she knew to not trust a word that I said. She never said this, yet looking back I can see the evidence of it. The rest of my family was pretty much done. And again, no one said it. And looking back I can see the evidence of it.

So I hit a bottom in my life, not the worst one, nor the last one, just the one that began the process of me finally looking, ever so reluctantly, at my life and seeing there were some things that I needed to Transform if I wanted to Live instead of just Existing.

One of the first lessons that I had to learn, that I am still learning, is how to get in touch with ME. Me, Myself, and I had not had any meaningful communication in a Very Long Time. I had to learn to tell myself the truth about myself, and in order to do that I had to learn what that truth is.

A very painful at times, and wonderful, process.

So I have learned that I have to Communicate and not just Talk. Whether with Me, You, or the rest of the World in general, I have to Communicate with Honesty and Integrity. Because I can talk, make noise, all day long. And it means nothing at all. Or I can Communicate in a second, with words, with a glance, with a touch, or by body language, or the many other ways in which Human Beings Communicate, and it means everything.

So today I am a fairly quiet person. Which would astound some people who remember me from when. And when I am trying to say something I say it, in whatever means of communication that I am using, with Honesty and Integrity.

And I do this even when I am just talking with the person checking my groceries at the store, with one of my customers from my job when I am installing Fiber Internet into their home, or in any of the other myriad of situations where we are around people that we do not really know and where it might be thought that it would not be so important. Because it is important.

I wish that I could say that I practice this perfectly. Alas I cannot. I still slide sometimes. And then I have to clean it up. So that I can live with me.

Today I am doing everything that I can to Communicate and not just Talk. How are you doing with this? Are you Talking? Or communicating?