What we put up with

 Last Saturday I was on social media and a notice popped up from a member of a page that is dedicated to riding motorcycles in Vermont. A person was putting together a ride for the next day, Sunday, from a meeting place about an hour and a half North of me along as vey well known scenic route thru the Mountains with a lunch stop etc.

I thought that this sounded like fun. And, as I had just experienced a very long work week, including working that day of Saturday, and it was an hour and a half away from me, I replied asking for the time posted for kick stands up to be moved back a half an hour. The person said Yes so I said that I would Love to come along.

The next day, Sunday, instead of resting like I needed to, I got up and set out to ride North. Left earlier than needed as I do not like the Interstate and will do much to avoid it. Including to add extra time to a journey so that I do not have to.

I arrived at the jump-off point at about 15 minutes before I expected to get going. One person was already there. And it was not the person who organized the event.

About 15 minutes later the person who organized this showed up, when I thought that we would be kick stands up.

And we waited another hour for everyone else to show up. And it got hot out.

I was doing my best to practice patience and acceptance. Did not do a great job of it. Did ok. Not great.

When we, finally, started riding the biggest part of the group was in front made up of Sport Bike riders. IE speed demons. A few cruisers brought up the rear.

And we quickly discovered that those in the front were intent on going as fast as they possibly could. I kept up with them for a while. I was also watching the other cruisers fall further behind.

And eventually I realized something. I was not enjoying this ride. While going fast as all get out used to have an attraction for me I had known for a long time now that it did not anymore. Which is why I ride a cruiser.

So I slowed down and let the other cruisers catch up to me and fell in with them. Enjoyed that much more.

A short while later we saw the first group pulled over and dismounted. Everyone smoking and talking. And after about 15 minutes was getting purty irritated by this. Again, practicing acceptance and tolerance not as well as I like to.

We took off again finally only to be split at a traffic light. Found out they were going to a gas station because someone had not gone and filled up before.

Mind, at this point we had put on 29 miles. That is barely warming up for me.

We never did see what gas station they stopped at. And at the end of town myself and two other cruisers pulled over and made the choice to just ride as our own group.

We rode off and had a really nice ride the three of us. Great scenery and good pace to enjoy it with.

Stopped for a late lunch and the other two had to head back to their places and I rode on by myself.

And, as often happens, while riding along I began to chew on the prior events in my head to see them as they are instead of how my judgmental head wants to see them.

One of the things that I got was that I had waited that whole hour for people to show up instead of just heading off on my own was I did not want to look bad in front of these people whom I was just meeting for the first time. I wanted to Look Good to them.

So I put up with waiting in the heat for an hour which I normally would not do. I would have just thanked them and headed out. My, sometimes, lack of Self Esteem/Awareness kept me in, minor, discomfort and unhappiness so I could look like a good guy.

And then during the first part of the ride when I was going much faster than I like to ride keeping up with them I did not want to look less than to these guys. And again, I had just met them.

Again, looking good.

And then I began to reflect back on my life at how many times I had put up with things in my life to not look bad to others, to look like one of them and fit in. Alas, for many years I did this thing. I wanted to fit in so bad that I would twist myself up like a pretzel in order to be accepted.

And today I do not want to be that person. And for the most part I am not. And yet, every once in a while, I am still that scared little boy, trying to fit into a world that I do not understand, and putting up with things that I do not like or enjoy, trying to be accepted.

And that still surprises me, even though it almost certainly should not. I have done a lot of work on Self Acceptance and Being My Own Self and one of the biggest lessons is that scared little boy that craves acceptance is never going to go away. He will continue to show up.

My only job is to Love and Protect him so that he does not feel so alone all the time.

And that, my Dear Friends, is all that I ever wanted in my entire life.