Yes. I am eligible too.

 On Sunday July 9th I had to put my car on a jack and look too see something that had gone wrong with it and figure out how to fix it. Well, as soon as I really got a look at it I realized that I was not going to be able to fix it and that paying someone else to fix it was going to be worth more than the value of the car. Time to replace it.

I was not happy with this idea. I was planning to do this at the end of the year as I am still digging out of a hole that I landed in and would be in a much better financial position at that point to do it.

Life does not care about my plans. It will do what it does despite all my fervent wishes or plans.

So the next day, Monday July 10th, I went to a dealership (I am not going to name any of the places that I went as this is ultimately not about them. It is about me.) to look at a car that I saw online. I quickly realized that this was not going to work for several reasons. The young lady that I was working with suggested another car and I suggested staying within a certain multi brand family.

She brought me to one in the brand family I wanted and I test drove it. Nice. So I said let's see if we can put together a deal. She started the process. Down was doable and the monthly was ok. So far so good.

Several hours later one of the "Sales Managers" came to me and said something about how the finance companies were "Funding to Value" and the car I wanted was not going to work so they had moved the process into a different car. What an amazing "coincidence", it was the very car the young lady had first suggested to me. I swallowed that and said ok, even though not happy. I should have left right then. I did not.

After another hour and a bit they came with all the paperwork. We signed everything, the young lady created a Temporary plate and registration, I was finally looking at the car that I had not seen or driven at this point, and was then informed that this car had not gone through their process and they were not sure if it was safe for me to drive it, so take this car with a dealer plate, it should only be a few days.

Again, I swallowed that and said ok. I should have said no, rip up the paperwork, and left. I did not.

So fast forward to Thursday July 27th, I have gotten very little information from them this whole time, communication has been virtually non existent, I call them up and tell them to cancel the deal.

During the day I go to another dealership and start the process of buying a different car, one that I actually want, using the same finance agency as I have talked to them and they know what is going on. Moving forward with this dealership communication happens in a timely and succinct manner. Refreshing.

That evening I bring my loaner to the other dealership and tell them this deal is over. 2 guys spend the next 25 mi8nutes or so trying to pressure me into taking the car as it is finally complete and ready to go. I keep telling them that it ain't going to happen.

And then, this thing happens. I find myself getting MAD. Really, Really, Mad. Like I have not been in about 30years. And I realized that if I do not find a way to defuse myself then I am going to leave this place in handcuffs and one or both of those guys are going to be really hurt or worse. Because I really got that I was entering into a killing rage.

So I bowed my head, closed my eyes, and began some real deep slow breathing. And I shut those 2 people out completely. I was aware that they were talking and I could not hear anything that they were saying.

After about a minute I am able to check back into the world around me as I have managed to get myself back under control. I cannot, however, look at either one of those people. And I think that they must have seen what was happening with me as their voices had changed. And the lead guy said ok. I will get you a timeline as soon as I can.

I left.

Next day, Friday, went to the other dealership and I pick up my car on Monday after work. They said, and I believe, that the pads and rotors, while ok and would pass inspection, they wanted to replace because if they did not I would be soon and they did not want that. I agreed completely as I had driven it and thought the brakes just a touch off.

So now, I am eligible too. I have not experienced being overwhelmed by rage like that in a very long time. About 30 years. I have done a lot of work to make sure that things like this do not happen. Yet it did.

And here is the real kicker. That blinding rage that was coming on was not even real. Oh it felt real and if acted on I would have been acting on the lie of rage. True enough.

What was happening underneath it all was that I was afraid. I was afraid that I was going to be stuck with this car that I never wanted and that I had been, I felt, screwed into, and that they had held onto for 2 and 2 thirds weeks thru mis-management, and then would not be able to get the car that I actually wanted, and that was coming out as rage.

Self Centered Fear still plays a huge part in my life. Yet I do not always recognize it. It has many different disguises. Rage is just one of them.

So I am eligible to fall into Self Centered Fear disguised as something else still. Even with all the work that I have done.

Sometimes I feel so broken as to be irreparable. And that is another Fear Based Lie.

I am not Broken. I am Human. With everything that goes with that.

And my job now is to Learn about my Humanity, to Embrace my Humanity, to Accept my Humanity in every aspect of it, and to Love Myself despite all of the things my brain will tell me is wrong and broken.

We must learn to Love ourselves, and each other. It is the only Rational Act.

We must Love ourselves and each other or we will all die.

Love is the only Rational Act.