Distractions and Blocks to Being...

 In my youth I ran away. I ran away from everything and everyone. I ran inside my mind and began using my Imagination like a drug. Later on I began to use drugs to fuel my imagination as imagination by itself was no longer sufficient.

Now why did I run away? I can "hear" you asking that question. So let me answer. I ran away because I was 'fraid. At 5 and a half years old I looked at the world around me and it frightened me. I did not realize I was afraid, yet I was. And I said, on a deep emotional level not involving language at all "F**k this. I'm out". and ran away inside my mind.

And for many years I kept running. And after a while my fear transformed. It became anger. And also hate.

And I became angry about and hated many different people, places, and situations. And my excuse was because they "Let me down" in some fashion or another.

Mostly though, I was angry at and hated myself. I blamed the entire world and everything and everyone in it for my life being the way it was, and was angry at and hated myself because I could not fix it.

Eventually I came to a place where I stopped using drugs and started trying to deal with me. The hardest task ever and it is an ongoing process.

Earlier tonight I was reading some fan fiction based on my fave TV show ever. And in the story, which is a retelling of part of an episode from a different viewpoint, was the following quote:

"Because you have let them distract you, blind you with hate. You cannot see the battle for what it is. We are fighting to save one another. We must realize that we are not alone. We rise and fall together. And some of us must be sacrificed if all are to be saved".

So I want to break down each line and talk about what it means to me.

"Because you have let them distract you, blind you with hate." I am the one who distracted myself. I am the one who blinded myself with hate. Why? Because I could not stand what I had become and could not face my own responsibility for it. I was in so much self inflicted pain that I could not face it. So I ran. And distracted and blinded myself with Blame and Hate.

"You cannot see the battle for what it is." I could not see, so very true. My battle was ultimately with myself. Yet I made myself believe that it was with YOU. Anyone outside of me to make you responsible for me.

"We are fighting to save one another." 1st, however, I needed to fight to save myself. And what that meant was I had to let others help me, fight to save me. And in that, I learned how to help others to save themselves. Because ultimately, we must all save each other in order to save ourselves.

"We must realize that we are not alone." And that, for me, was the most difficult step. Really getting that I am not alone. I cannot remember a time in my life that I have not felt completely isolated and alone from everyone. Never belonging anywhere or with anyone. Letting other people in, being intimate while completely dressed, being a part of, all of this was completely foreign to me.

"We rise and fall together." And this is the most true. I cannot rise without YOU. I can fall alone. I need Humanity and Community to have any chance of living a life worth living, with all of the ups and downs that go with that. In order to do that I must let go of Being Alone. It is the only way.

"And some of us must be sacrificed if all are to be saved." Now this one I believe is dead wrong. We must not sacrifice anyone. Some will not make it because they will make choices that are not conducive to survival. That is a personal choice. And yes, that old saw that not making a choice is still a choice plays in here. NO ONE will be sacrificed or we shall not save any of us. We must provide the place where people can choose to live in Humanity and Community. Most people will choose that. Not everyone.

So today my fight is with myself. To stay Human in Community. Because without Humanity and Community I am nothing more than a walking corpse. I may be moving and breathing while speaking and going through the motions of life, yet I am still dead. I know because I have experienced this.

Because in the end, We must Love each other or die.

We must Love each other. It is the ONLY Rational act.