For I am Human and Alive.

In the following missive I am going to quote a book and then tell you what that means to me. Some of you, the ones from my first Transformational group shall recognize some of this as you have heard me thinking out loud about this. And others of you, not so much.

‘”But what of us?” said Grego. ”Will we be extinguished? What difference does it make then, the ones of us who had plans, what does it matter the work we have done? The children we’ve raised?” He looked pointedly at Olhado. “What will it matter then, that you have such a big happy family, if you are all erased in one instant by that ... bomb?”

“Not one moment of my life with my family has been wasted,” said Olhado quietly.

“But the point of it is to go on, isn’t it? To connect with the future?”

“That’s one part, yes,” said Olhado. “But part of the purpose of it is the now, is the moment. And part of it is the web of connections. Links from soul to soul. If the purpose of life was just to continue into the future, then none of it would have meaning, because it would be all anticipation and preparation. There’s fruition, Grego. There’s the happiness we’ve already had. The happiness of each moment. The end of our lives, even if there’s no forward continuation, no progeny at all, the end of our lives doesn’t erase the beginning.”

“But it won’t have amounted to anything,” said Grego. “If your children die, then it was all a waste.”

“No,” said Olhado quietly. “You say that because you have no children, Greguinho. But none of it is wasted. The child you hold in your arms for only a day before he dies, that is not wasted, because that one day is enough of a purpose in itself. Entropy has been thrown back for an hour, a day, a week, a month. Just because we might all die here on this little world does not undo the lives before the deaths.”

Grego shook his head. “Yes it does, Olhado. Death undoes everything..”

Olhado shrugged. “Then why do you bother doing everything, Grego? Because someday you will die. Why should anyone ever have children? Someday they will die, their children will die, all children will die. Someday stars will wind down or blow up. Someday death will cover us all like the water of a lake and perhaps nothing will ever come to the surface to show that we were ever there. But we were there, and during the time we lived, we were alive. That’s the truth --- what is, what was, what will be --- not what could be, what should have been, what never can be. If we die, the our death has meaning to the rest of the universe. Even if our lives are unknown, the fact that someone lived here, and died, that will have repercussions, that will shape the universe.”

“So that is meaning enough for you?” said Grego. “To die as an object lesson? To die so that people can feel awful about having killed you?”

“There are worse meanings for a life to have.”’

(Excerpt from “Children of the Mind” by Orson Scott Card Book 4 of the “Ender Saga” [“Ender’s Game”, “Speaker for the Dead”, “Xenocide”, “Children of the Mind”])

 I wept today, for I am Human and Alive. Every time that I read the above passage I weep. For this touches me in a very deep place. For I have chosen to make it mean that our Lives Matter. No matter whether it is a quiet life of no “Significance” or a huge life that touches Millions or something in between. Our Lives Matter.

It is like the old thing I read a long time ago about the headstone on a grave. A birth date, a dash, a death date. The dash in between is your entire life. What does your dash say about you? What do I choose for my dash to say about me? How I live my life is what my dash will say about me. And somewhere, to somebody, somehow, my life will Matter to someone. Because that is what I choose. And because it will. Each and everyone of us will be important after we are gone because of the simple fact that we were here at all.

So, I wept today, for I am Human and Alive.

I felt Sorrow today, for I am Human and Alive. I was at an NA meeting last night. We read Step 9, “We made direct amends to such people (Those we had harmed) wherever possible except, when to do so would injure them or others”, out of “It Works: How and Why” and then had sharing on it. And as I was sharing I had a revelation. I first met my Stepfather in March (?) of 1969 when I was just shy of my 6th Birthday. And ever since I have blamed him for how our relationship went. And as I was sharing I really got that he never had a chance. I was angry and spiteful because HOW DARE this man come here in my Father’s place with my Mother? And I was mean and spiteful for a while until I calmed down a bit. Yet I never let go of that decision that “Something is Wrong here”. “You don’t belong here.”  And as I got that I felt great sorrow. And I shared that revelation with the group I was at and talked about how I will never know if Henry and I could have had a decent relationship or not. Because I never gave it a chance to Happen at all.

So, I felt great sorrow today, for I am Human and Alive.

I felt Anger today, for I am Human and Alive. I was thinking about my work today. And I thought about how much I like my work, what I do, and my co-workers. And then I thought about my boss and how it feels like a hostile work environment every time I have to deal with him. And I felt intense anger that this person has the power to ruin what is otherwise very enjoyable.

So, I felt anger today, for I am Human and Alive.

I felt Gratitude today, for I am Human and Alive. I received a text message today from a friend requesting some input on a matter that was troubling them. And I was, and am, grateful that people see me as someone who can help them with troubling matters and have the willingness to ask for that help.

So, I felt gratitude today, for I am Human and Alive.

I felt Joy today, for I am Human and Alive. I was looking at my life today, with all of it's up and downs, and I once again realized that I have a good life. Historically speaking my having this life is only possible because of those that I love and who love me. And in realizing that love exists in my life I was filled with a deep contentment and joy.

So, I felt joy today, for I am Human and Alive.

I am Human. That means, among many other things, that I get to feel a broad range of feelings, because I am still alive and breathing.

And I get to feel all of it.

In early recovery I remember hearing people saying "Good news. You stop using and you get your feelings back. Bad news. You stop using and you get your feelings back". I have been reminded of this many times over the years.

For when I first showed up in recovery I had not had a Human Feeling in many years. I say now, and find it true, that I was a walking shell of a Human Being. I did not know how to feel, how to express feelings, or how to have any type of relationship with another Human Being. 

And I had to learn, as was so eloquently expressed in the quote up top, that I had to live in the NOW of life in order to truly live. That Past and Future only provide the framework for Now. And that Frame will change as each moment stops being Future and then becomes Past. Each moment destroys and rebuilds the Frame of the life that we are living. And I had to learn to live inside the Frame instead of Being in the Frame.

For Past and Future do not really exist in any place other than my mind. There is only the Eternal NOW. The Moment that I, and You, are in. That moment is the only time. All rest is Illusion.

An Illusion that I have clung to most obstinately throughout my life.

Because, I felt Fear today, for I am Human and Alive. I felt fear because for my entire life the World has frightened me. I used my imagination as a drug from about five and a half years old on. And later used other addictive behaviors, and later added drugs to that, in order to run away from a world which scared me and I wanted nothing to do with. And Recovery has been all about learning to live in this World, as it is and is not, with all of the feelings that go with that.

So, I felt fear today, for I am Human and Alive.

I felt Courage today, for I am Human and Alive. And the quote at the top is one of the things that gave me courage many times. Among many things. The courage to continue on this path when I was tired and discouraged. The courage to choose Life for just one more moment when I was ready to give up on it as a bad deal. The courage to love when once again I felt heartbroken and alone. The courage to Live when Dying was starting to feel like a better alternative.

So, I felt courage today, for I am Human and Alive.

So grab onto whatever you are feeling and be Human and Alive. Live for just this moment. For it is all that we have. Accept Your Self with Love and know that YOU are Divine and the most pure expression of Love in the entire Universe.

For You are Feeling because You are Human and Alive.