My Own Expectations

 When I was young, Jr High and the beginning of High School, I had four friends. If you found any of us you probably found all of us. There were others in that time that hung with us off and on. We were the main crew.

And we did a lot of stuff. There were many times that we were causing trouble or doing things that would be not conducive to growing up healthy and well rounded.

In later years we drifted apart and went our separate ways. I lost track of everyone for many years. One of the group kept in contact with 2 of us. And then, I tracked him down some years ago and we began our friendship again. And the last one came back into, long distant, contact with me and one other just recently.

Well, a little over a week ago I received an invitation to the 60 year birthday and 40 year anniversary of the career, of the one with whom I was having a real hard time connecting with. And with whom I really wanted to connect.

The last time we spoke was several years ago. I had called him, again, and realized that the only reason that we talked at all was because I called. Every time. So I stopped. And never heard from him. He never called me once.

A few years later the friend that I was in contact with asked me why I never called this guy and I told him the above. He later told this guy and his response was "Give him my number and have him call me". Totally missing the point.

So when I saw the invite I called my friend and suggested that we ride down, we both ride motorcycles, to this thing and not let our friend know that we were coming. Surprise him. My friend thought that this was great. The Plan was on.

And, like any plan anywhere, it did not survive intact.

My friend texted me up a few days later and told me that birthday boy had called him and begged him to show up and to do everything he could so that the other two would show up. My name did not come up at all.

I was feeling purty crappy at that point. Here was another very clear example of a person whom I value, even downright Love, not valuing me at all.

I made a choice for myself that I was not going to go. I was not going to force myself where it was very clear, to me anyway, that I was not wanted. Not even thought of.

A few days later I sent my friend a text asking him to call when he could. A little later he did. And I verified that my name had never even entered the conversation. I said ok then. My man knew what that meant.

So we talked about our other friends whom I had not seen in forever either. And along the way my man said this, "You know, it might just be that NICKNAME just does not think of you as needing transportation help". In saying that he gave me another view of things. And I was willing to accept that other view as being possible.

And I finally began to see past my own fears and said I would go. Because, even if my fears were true, and it was possible they were not, then I still wanted to reconnect with the other two. They were as important to me as any of us.

And, a day later, I spoke to my friend again to set up the final details about meeting up and breakfast then travel etc, and he said how exited the birthday boy was that I was coming. He said, "He's coming? I was thinking about inviting him". My friend said "You already did". And that. again hit me purty hard. And I made the choice to just go anyway. I still wanted to connect with the other two no matter what.

On the morning of I met my friend and one of the other ones I had not seen in forever and we had breakfast. Loaded up and on our way. Had some really great, although a bit one-sided, conversation on the way down. That was fun. I am a deep feeling intelligent person. The one I had not seen in forever is a very talkative intellectual person. We had a blast. Or at least I did. The one I have been in touch with for years just drove and took it all in.

And then we arrived. And the first one I saw was the one I had known the longest. And then the birthday boy. Hugs were exchanged and catching up on our lives started. And that continued all throughout the day.

Now this celebration was in a bar. Birthday boy works sounds for bands and other events and his celebration was in a bar with some bands that he knows from long standing playing.

First they had a guy do a couple acoustic songs. He was pretty good and I enjoyed him. Then he was done.

After a while the first band started to play. And they were pretty good as well. They played songs that I knew for the most part.

And I ordered some lunch. Food was decent as well.

All in all not a bad environment. Yet I was not feeling it. After a while I really understood that this is no longer my scene. I knew this of course. Yet this was really driving it home for me. I just wanted to go ride my motorcycle really.

So I spoke to the friend that I rode down with and asked if we could go after this band. He said ok, albeit a little reluctantly. He later told e that he was going to drive me back, about two and a half hours, and then go back.

The birthday boy came over to talk to me. And he was asking if it would be ok if I was just given a ride to his house. I really was not feeling that either. And he asked me to please stay as he did not want FRIENDS NAME to miss the show. Again, not feeling really good about that comment.

I did agree to stay however. I did want to keep talking, in between loud music sets, with my friends whom I had not seen in forever.

And I stayed thru the next 4 bands. And they were all pretty good. Each of them had strengths and not so strongs. And they all put on a good performance.

And mostly I talked with my friends. Except the birthday boy. He was doing sound for all the bands. And I got to begin to catch up with some people who are still important to me.

And after it was all over birthday boy came over and told me he loves me and he is glad I came. And in that moment I believe that he absolutely meant it.

And me and the friend and other friend took off. And this time I drove so my friend could unwind and relax. Had a great dinner along the way and more great intellectual conversation.

So I told this whole story to say this, I still have Expectations about how people should act or feel at times. And it causes me pain every time. Because you darn humans keep insisting on being who you are and behaving in the ways that you behave no matter how strongly I feel about it.

I expected birthday boy to be just as pleased at reconnecting with me as I was about reconnecting with him even though he had never shown any signs of feeling that way.

We have all grown in the directions that we have grown in. And there is no Right or Wrong about any of that. And, for a person who does his best to practice Radical Acceptance in every aspect of his life, I still trip over that on a regular basis.

I have a need to accept everyone, no matter how I feel about them, exactly as they Are and Are Not. No Exceptions. I need to interact with the person that they Actually Are and not whatever Fantasy of a Person that I have created for them to be out of my own needs and wants.

Because, as I have said so often, We must all Love each other or die. Yet I cannot Love anyone whom I have not accepted completely. It is impossible.

We must all Love each other. It is the only Rational act. Yet in order to Love I must first Accept. For there is no Rationality in the Fantasy of my own need that I want you to be.