React. Or Respond.

 For a big chunk of my life I was a reactionary. I do not mean that in the political sense. I mean that in the sense that their was very little in my life that happened that I was not already preprogrammed to have a specific response too.

And my reactions were not a good idea usually. I do not know if you can understand this, there were times that I knew that I was reacting, badly, that this was not a good idea at all, it was really bad, and I could not do anything different no matter how much I really thought that doing almost anything else would be a better idea.

Most of the time I never thought about any of it. It was a button pushed and a reaction happened. No thinking involved.

That was my life with very few exceptions for a long time.

Finally, in my mid thirties, I started, slowly and with many reversions and backsteps, to grow up. I learned, and am still learning, to respond instead of react. It is a lifelong journey.

Along the way I had to learn what I was reacting to. And, most often, it is Fear. Fear either in plain form of Fear, or disguised as something else. Yet Fear all the same.

When I am reacting to Fear as Fear instead of Fear as Something Else there is a set of patterns that can be singular or combined. Depending on the circumstances I guess.

The first is freeze. And it might not be obvious from the outside that this is what is happening. It might look like sleeping late. Or watching movies and/or YouTube videos. Reading a lot. It is a total disconnect from whatever it is that has inspired me to experience Fear.

It can also show up as Run Away. Now it may or may not appear as that. Sometimes it is as obvious as it looks. And sometimes it is silence. That is an evil one. Sometimes I can be gone away right in front of you. You might think that I am present and I am not. I have gone deep, deep inside. In a room full of people who Love, or at least kinda like 😇, me I can be alone like there is no one else in the Universe. Only myself.

Like Raistlin when he defeated the God's and had no Creation in him. Only Destruction.

There is also Paralysis by Analysis. I spend so long trying to figure things out, which I never ultimately do, that the worst thing that could happen has. Because, and this is important, to make no choice is still a choice.

Then there is Fear disguised as something else. And that something else is, in my experience, Anger/Rage. And it is usually, if not always, all consuming. There is absolutely no Cognitive Thought involved what so ever.

When I am experiencing Fear Disguised as Anger/Rage there is no Cognitive Thought possible. It is all Reaction driven by Fear Based Rage. And I hurt people and do really stupid and harmful things to myself and others.

And the worst part is that deep down inside, in a place that I cannot reach in that moment, I know that this is damaging. That this is wrong for me and everyone around me. And it is not that I don't care. It is that I cannot even be aware of this in that time, as I am consumed by the Anger/Rage.

For as Yoda said, "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering".

I also find that the Hate justifies the Anger, which covers the Fear, and it all leads to suffering.

All this because I was always Reacting to life in a preprogrammed manor that was and is totally Fear Based.

So I had to learn to Respond instead.

The are elements to Responding.

One is Space. Taking a moment to Breathe, to insure that I do not just run off the cliff with the first thing that occurs as a "Good" idea. And, when caught up in the emotion of it all that can be difficult. It takes dedication and practice with a deep dose of Humility. Which does not come to me easily or naturally.

Another is Reflection. During the breathe, the pause, reflecting on what is really going on here. Why am I feeling this strong emotional Reaction? What am I afraid of? Is there a proper response to this? What is that response?

And all this is based in Honesty. Honesty with my Self. I have to be Honest with myself to admit that  am having an Emotional Reaction. I have to be Honest with myself and Accept that my next action could be really damaging to both myself and those around me. I have to Honest with myself and be Willing to hold myself in when all I want to do is have a Reaction. And I have to be Honest with myself about what is really driving this, what I am really Afraid of.

This can be really difficult. Especially in the beginning when that is contrary to everything I have done in my life so far. It takes time and effort. It takes Accepting my Humanity and being OK with not doing it perfectly. At Failing to do it in critical times and Reacting instead of Responding. Of knowing that I can do better and instead of beating myself up over it learning from it and doing better next time. It takes one of the most difficult things that I have ever done in my life, being Forgiving of Myself as a Human Being.

And finally, it takes Accepting Myself with all of my Strengths and Weaknesses, all of my Successes and Failures, with Love for that person that is me, that I spent all of my life hating.

For how can I Love others when I truly Hate Myself? I cannot. It begins with ME.

For we must Love Ourselves or we will Die. Even when our bodies are still up and moving.

We must Love each other or we will all die.

We must Love each other. It is the only Rational act.

We must Love ourselves or all other Love is impossible.