A Variety of Thoughts About Everything

 At the end of the First World War, AKA "The War to End All Wars", there was a huge backlash throughout the world Especially in Europe in Germany and Italy. Japan was already on it's Imperial Expansonism so I do not consider them a Backlash or Reaction. Their course was already set. In Italy there was a fear, based in some reality, that the nation was not really going to get any of the benefits of being on the "winning" side of the war. And the economy was already hurting and showing no signs of improving. In Germany they were taking the entire blame for WW1. Everybody knew that every single European power shared the blame for that war and the "winning" side made Germany shoulder all of it. And they Militarily and Financially crippled Germany for the forseeable future. France began a period of political instability, changes in Government on a regular and ongoing basis, and fear based holding onto everything that had not worked in the past that was hidd...

 I have never felt like I quite fit in anywhere or any time in my life. I was always, it seemed, the outsider looking in, longing to be in there, and never quite knowing how to be. I also discovered, at a very young age, that I look at things differently than the rest of the human race. Not better. Not worse. Just differently. So here I am, having no real connection to te rest of the human race, deeply wishing for one, having no idea how to accomplish this thing, and twisting myself up in so many different ways trying to BE someone else. And that someone else would change from one moment to the next depending on who I was hanging around with at the time. I became a total chamelion just trying to fit in with no idea of who I am. No connection to the SELF that is me. And my "life" went on. I continued trying to be human and failing. Continued trying to be connected to others and failing. Continued trying to be a part of and continued being apart from. Not a good way to experien...

“Standing on a darkling plain Shivering on a cold winters night Watching the stars twinkle above me Filled with sadness Deep and Bright” Kevin G. Farrell 1985 or 86 When I wrote that, it seems like a million years ago, I had just broken up with my first attempt at an adult romantic relationship. It was not purty and we should have never been together. It was a totally disfunctional and hurt filled attempt by two very wounded people. And yet, my feelings were real. I had no idea how to quantify them, or identify them, and no tools to try to deal with them, and this writing above came out of it. That was real. And so I kept stumbling thru life. Trying to be human and having no idea how to do this. Every once in a while a thing would happen and I would try to write about it. And would fail miserably. I am related to some writers. My Great Grandfather on my Mothers side was a preacher. He wrote sermons all the time. My Great Aunt on my Mothers side is an accomplished writer who started...

 Deanna Troi in Star Trek Picard Over the years I have done a lot of healing work of a few different types. And I am discovering that there is still so much more to do. That does not discount or discredit or in any way devalue what has already been done by any means. And, as a complex Human Being, as we all are, I am discovering that I got into the "easier" shit and have not really tackled the really painful deep core stuff. So let me unpack that for you. Every moment of my life that I can remember I was running away from life. I especially ran away from feelings as they were really overwhelming. Not only do I experience emotions on a very strong and deep level, I had no one in my life who was really able to show me how to experience these emotions safely. And in runing away from life I caused myself and everyone around me considerable harm. And kept trying to run away from the shame, guilt, self loathing, etc that all of this caused. I was caught in a never ending cycle of h...