"You can't skip to the end of healing."

 Deanna Troi in Star Trek Picard

Over the years I have done a lot of healing work of a few different types. And I am discovering that there is still so much more to do.

That does not discount or discredit or in any way devalue what has already been done by any means. And, as a complex Human Being, as we all are, I am discovering that I got into the "easier" shit and have not really tackled the really painful deep core stuff.

So let me unpack that for you.

Every moment of my life that I can remember I was running away from life. I especially ran away from feelings as they were really overwhelming. Not only do I experience emotions on a very strong and deep level, I had no one in my life who was really able to show me how to experience these emotions safely.

And in runing away from life I caused myself and everyone around me considerable harm. And kept trying to run away from the shame, guilt, self loathing, etc that all of this caused.

I was caught in a never ending cycle of hurting and denial of hurt. And had to develope stronger and stronger ways of running away from life and feeling so that I could still exist.

During this time I also had suicidal thoughts. Twice, that I know of, I tried to act on them. I say tried because I did not succeed despite all of my best efforts. And yes, I made best efforts. These were not "cries for help". I should have died and did not.

And eventually I came into Recovery from Addiction. And, over time, began to face things instead of running away.

I faced the things that were most apparent to me first. Of course. The things that were making my life the most unmanagable. Or, as has been said, the most visible signs.

And life got better. And life continues to get better.

And yet, in many ways, I am still stuck in some very old ways of being. And I cannot seem to find my way out of it.

And as I was watching Star Trak Picard last night and heard the line that is the title of this piece of writing, "You can't skip to the end of healing", it struck me that this might be the crux of it.

Because every time that I have faced something I have given a great sigh of relief, metaphorically, and felt like now that is over, and time to move on. I never really acted as if this was only the next layer of the onoin that needed to be peeled.

I remember many years ago in a meeting a lady was sharing and she said, "I came in the door and wanted someone to hand me five years". The whole room fell out laughing, me included. Because we all got that she was talking about results without effort. And could really identify with that idea.

And while I speak of the ongoing recovery process I am finding that deep inside myself I do not want it to be ongoing. I want it to be face it and be done with it.

And I am, on a very deep feeling level, lieing to myself and believing those lies to be true.

Because I want to skip to the end of healing. I do not want to put in the work anymore. That messy, painful, facing of the Self and recognizing all the parts of that Self, good, bad, and indifferent, and Loving that Whole Self without reservation.

And then doing the messy, painful work needed to Transform those aspects of myself no longer serve me.

Because the results of staying in the place of not continuing to Heal these internal places gets really messy and leads to major unmanagability.

And I do not want that any more either.

So here I am. The first day of 2024. The first day of my 27th Year without a mood or mind altering substance, except coffee, I still allow myself coffee, 26 years of complete abstinence complete with a lot of work done to get here, and I am facing some major changes in my life, that do not feel good, with some other things leading to major financial disruptions that could very well lead to some really terrible consequences, and it feels ike my life is falling apart. Again.

I am reminded of a meme I see on social media that talks about what we think Transformation looks like and what it really looks like. It is not meditation and enlightenment. It is feeling like I am going crazy while crying under a blanket. Or, in my case, not having the energy to keep on with my day.

What I am finding is that once I have begun the process of Transformation that I cannot stop it. It will continue, especially in those places that I am unwilling to look at, whether I am a willing participent or not.

I cannot "skip to the end of healing". No matter how much I want to. No matter how "tired" I think that I am. Unless I totally destroy my life by getting high or take my life completely, this will go on.

And the more that  resist it because I am afraid to look at what I must really look at, then the messier and more umanagable it will get.

So, once again, it is time to stop running away, and turn and face those things that I fear. Once again it is time to be comfortable with being uncomfortable.

And now it is really gonna get messy. Because I have stripped away all the surface trash already. Now I need to face the really deep and dark stuff that makes up me and accept it so that I can move past it.

And then work on the stuff underneath all of that.

Because this is an onging process.

That all starts with Acceptance of what Is.

May the New Year bring you all everything that you could ever wish for and a little more.