The Past We Have. Not the One We Wish For

 I was just reading a peice of Fan Fiction, IE a story written by a fan about an already existing story that takes place in that universe, and starting getting emotional.

I was having feelings because I was reading a scene where one of the main charectors was being a kind, loving, and supportive parent to their child.

And I did not have that experience for the most part growing up.

Today I can recognize that my parents tried the best that they could. They just were not equipped with the tools needed to be that because of their own upbringing. And their parents etc...

Yet that acknowedgement does not stop me, from time to time, from wishing that I could change the past and create the growing up that I want.

And then I have to practice Acceptance and recognize that I have the past that I have and no other is possible. No matter how much I want it I cannot have it any other way than the way it went.

Yet, like most adults in this world, I still find myself trying to change the past. Wishing that this or that or the other did not happen the way that it did. That I had not felt such and so. That I would have different experiences.

And then I have to face, yet again, that the past is written and no matter how much I strive, strain, manipulate, things, that this is never going to change.

And I, once again have to give up my right to change the past. Which is sometimes difficult. Because there is so much pain there. Some caused by others. Some caused by me. Pain never the less. And still, I must give up the right to rewrite the past.

And then I start wondering, who would I be if my past was different? And that is the question. Is it not?

The answer is, I do not know. I would be someone different than I am today. Better? Worse? The same? Who can tell? I cannot.

I can imagine. That I can do. Knowing however. That is different.

And then I see it. The desire to rewrite my past is also the rejection of who I am today. Because if my past is different, then so am I. 

And then I remember, I went through my whole life to be this person. I experienced everything that I needed to experience to have the life that lead me to this moment as this person. I Became, at great cost, and with some Joy, this person. And NOT a different person.

So why not Accept this person? Why not Value this person? Why not Accept THIS person as he is and is not wholly and completely?

And I think, Yeah. I will. Because, at the end of the day, this is who and what I am. And trying to be someone else, somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else, I've already done that. And it never ends well.

So today, I am embracing this totally perfect and flawed Human Being that I am.

I am rejecting the idea that my past shoud be different than the one that I have.

I am rejecting the idea that I need to be some one else.

I am, Whole, Perfect, and Complete, Exactly the way that I Am and Am Not.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.