Changing Relationships

 Just recently I had something happen that has forced me to take a look at one of the relationships that I have in my life. It is neither a good or bad thing. It is just something that happened that has opened my eyes to something that I do not want to see in this relationship.

And not wanting to see something. I don't know about you, I do know about me. Not seeing what I do not want to see is a life long pattern for me.

Or, what is even worse. Magical vision. Seeing it exactly the way that I want it to be despite the mountain of evidence, which I, of course, cannot see, sayin that this ain't so.

And this began at a really young. Something happened when I was three years eight months old that set this pattern f behavior in place.

And many other things throughout my childhood reinforced this pattern of behavior. And the pattern was once you were in my world you were not allowed to leave. Ever. Not for any reason at all.

Even when we were both miserable and hateful. It did not matter. You were mine. And that was that.

So many people had left my life that I grabbed onto everyone left for dear life. And, in the process, strangled them and the relationship.

I was afraid. Afraid of losing people. Afraid of being alone. Even though I was constantly lonely. Afraid of not being distracted from myself. Afraid. All the time.

And I was completely oblivious to all of this. I had no idea who I was and no idea how needy I was. I thought of myself as an honest person. I thought that I really liked people. I had no idea that I was a lonely habitual lier. And I was.

I also did not understand that I was a chameleon. I was really proud that I could fit in with any crowd, so I thought. What I did not understand was that I was twisting myself into weird forms to fit in. I was anybody you needed me to be to keep you in my life.

No sense of self could withstand things like this. Which is "good" as I had no sense of self anyway.

And then, a funny thing happened. I began a process of looking at myself, instead of everyone and everything around me, and I began to get some idea of who I actually am as a Human Being.

It was in that process that I finally began to see that the Idea of who I thought I am is really Fraudulent. I began to be introduced to this person that I had never seen before. That is me.

And as I was finding out who I am I also began to be able too see who other people are. And I began to lose some of my associations. Not because of anything bad or good. Just because we were going in different directions in our lives and I n longer needed to hold on to that relationship like grim death.

I found that as my sense of My Self grew that I was less and less willing to contort myself into weird shapes to keep you in my life. I was, slowly, becoming my Authentic self. And the more I Became Me the less I was willing to Become anyone else. Especially not to just make you happy.

And I began to watch people leave my life. And,  mostly, it was just because we are going in different directions in our lives. And sometimes people were uncomfortable with this person that they could no longer manipulate into being what they needed. And, this was not, for most people, consciously at all. They just did not like this "new" person that I am being.

And some people I got rid of because I was no longer willing to take the abuse. And that was the hardest one oddly enough. I had been accepting this abuse for so long that I was really not conscious of it at all. And I had to get past my own excuses for their behavior to recognize what was truly happening.

My growing sense of self would no longer allow me to be blind or making excuses. And when I finally allowed myself to see reality it was with relief that I cut some people out. I had internally known for a long time and was finally allowing my Conscious Self to see. What a relief.

Which brings us up to the present time. I have a friend who has been instrumental in my journey of discovering me for a long time. And this weekend I allowed myself to see some things. Or, let us say, that things got to the point where I could no longer deny what I am experiencing.

And I am seeing that we are going in different directions. And, while I will always esteem this person, our relationship needs to be redefined. Because the change is already happening. Which means, that the vital function this person fills in my life at this moment, needs to be filled by someone else. And I have no candidates at this time for that.

Changing Relationships. Something that used to fill me with Terror. It is now just a reality of my life. Not because I want it. Because that is what happens with people sometimes.

It is not Good. It is not Bad. It just is.

Some relationships do not make it through a change. Some become something else entirely that is unrecognizable to the people who are in it. And some become even stronger and more powerfully intimate. And some just kinda quietly drift apart until there really is nothing left.

I have no idea what this one is going to look like. We shall see.

And I am sure that somewhere down the line I am going to write about it.