The Pride that Goeth Before the Fall

 We have all heard the saying "Pride goeth before the fall". I have said it a few times, mostly at others. And other people have said it, sometimes about me. Shocking all those who know me I am sure 😈

And there is another very old saying that applies, "Whom the Gods would destroy, first they make proud". And I am pretty sure that most of you have heard this one also. Although it is not as popular as the first one.

So now let us define what we are talking about here. 

First, Dictionary.com definition of Proud:

adjective,proud·er, proud·est.

1. feeling pleasure or satisfaction over something regarded as highly honorable or creditable to oneself (often followed byof, an infinitive, or a clause).

2. having, proceeding from, or showing a high opinion of one's own dignity, importance, or superiority.

3. having or showing self-respect or self-esteem.

4. highly gratifying to the feelings or self-esteem:It was a proud day for him when his son entered college.

5. highly honorable or creditable:a proud achievement.

6. stately, majestic, or magnificent:proud cities.

7. of lofty dignity or distinction:a proud name; proud nobles.

8. Chiefly South Midland and Southern U.S. pleased; happy:I'm proud to meet you.

9. full of vigor and spirit:a proud young stallion.

10. Obsolete. brave. 

This does not seem to be the definition that we are looking for in this context. The above is what we would all aspire too, or at least I would, when using the word Proud about myself.

After further investigation I found the stuff below. I think that is more like what we are looking for in this particular context:

SYNONYM STUDY FOR PROUD

2. Proud, arrogant, haughty imply a consciousness of, or a belief in, one's superiority in some respect. Proud implies sensitiveness, lofty self-respect, or jealous preservation of one's dignity, station, and the like. It may refer to an affectionate admiration of or a justifiable pride concerning someone else: proud of his son. Arrogant applies to insolent or overbearing behavior, arising from an exaggerated belief in one's importance: arrogant rudeness. Haughty implies lofty reserve and confident, often disdainful assumption of superiority over others: the haughty manner of the butler in the play.

Yes, this is much closer to the context of this discussion. In this context Proud is certainly Arrogant, Haughty, Disdainful of others, with definite overtones, if not outright assumption of, Superiority.

And as I was writing the above it occurred to me that the word I was really looking for is Hubris. Which is not a word that is heard often today, and I think really fits this context.

Definition of Hubris:

noun

1. excessive pride or self-confidence; arrogance.

 Much more like it. And down below I found the following:

noun

1. pride or arrogance

2. (in Greek tragedy) an excess of ambition, pride, etc, ultimately causing the transgressor's ruin

And isn't interesting that it is here that we get the Excess ultimately causing "the transgressor's ruin"? Because that is the fall that we are talking about, the ruin of all of the grand ideas and ways of being where we believe, with every fiber of our being, that we Are Right, and Untouchable, and everyone else is Wrong. Especially about us.

I remember hearing the phrase "Blinded by his own brilliance". And that is so often the case when one is setting ones self up for the fall after all. Because ultimately there are no "Gods" involved in this. There is no outside agency. There is only My Own Self. Or yours if you have experienced this. As I have.

I remember, a long time ago, when I had a landed a job doing a rather mindless yet difficult task in a woolen mill. I and my shift partner worked hard at our job. For a while there we were working double shifts to keep things going. And yes, those 16 hour days paid a lot of money and wore us out.

And, while doing all this, we redesigned the job so that we got twice as much done with a whole lot less effort. Our Boss's loved us.

After a while I began to, completely unnoticed by me, display signs of Hubris. I was in a small New England town where this company was a major employer, and I began to exhibit signs that I considered myself irreplaceable. Because I really was that good at my job, and I was behaving like no one else, other than my shift partner, could do this anywhere near as well as I.

Arrogant and so darn sure that I was THE MAN, a totally blown out of proportion amount of Pride in my worth and abilities. Sure signs of Hubris.

So here I was, doing my job, and doing it very well. My Hubris was dependent on me being THE BEST at things. And underneath, there was still the scared little 5 year old running away from life, craving acceptance, wanting Love, with no Self Esteem what so ever, and me running around like the King of all Creation.

So I was setting myself up for the fall very nicely.

And then it happened. I made a mistake. And that mistake involved substance abuse. To be clear, my boss's did not know it involved substance abuse, to the best of my knowledge, what they did know is that I made a very big mistake and it required me being fired immediately.

I could not undo it. And it went down very quickly. And I spiraled badly for quite a while.

I had thought that I was untouchable and irreplaceable. Total Hubris. Whom the Gods (That I do not believe in at all) were about to destroy they first allowed to make himself proud.

Because, at the end of the day, it was all me. I am the one who set myself up, I am the one who built myself up, and I am the one who created the fall.

No. One. Else.

And the worst part is that I kept repeating that mistake in so many ways and situations for years after. And it was all a reaction to not feeling like I am Enough ever. I was always trying to Prove, to myself essentially, that I am Good Enough and that it was possible for me to be in this world as an equal with all of you.

Many years later, with a lot of work on me, you know, the absolutely LAST person I ever wanted to work on, and I began to see what I had been doing to myself. I had set myself up for failure over and over again. And it was never my fault. Wrong place, wrong time, etc. All the usual excuses for why I never was able to participate in my own life. I could only watch it go by and blame everyone else for why it sucked.

I was finally able to be Responsible for my life. And oddly enough, I have not set my self up for failure in a long time.

And I am good enough. As Stuart Smalley said so many times, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me".

In being Responsible, which is also Being Right Sized, I also have not had an attack of Hubris in a long while either. I am no longer trying to destroy my life. I am, instead, being an Active Participant in my life and accepting the consequences of all of my actions, attitudes, and behaviors.

And when my inner 5 year old shows up, still scared and wanting to run away, I can  hug that beautiful little boy, and let him know that everything is alright. I got you son. You are safe now.

Because it is true.