Emotions!!! Huh!!!

 For so much of my life I employed many different tricks to try and not feel. I was afraid to feel. And I felt everything so powerfully that was completely overwhelmed by those feelings. No matter what the feeling was. It was too powerful for me.

So I became an escape artist. And escape from everything became my goal. My feelings, my family, my school, my life. I tried to escape it all. And was somewhat successful.

And I continued my escapist activities for a few decades. And developed all of the actions, attitudes, and behaviors that one needs in order to escape reality.

And that is really what I was running from folks, Reality. Because Reality was occurring for me as painful and overwhelming.

For many years I kept trying to live life and failing. When one is not actually engaged in life and instead engaged in avoiding life, then it gets very painful. And I was, of course, trying to avoid feeling. Feeling pain especially.

Eventually I got to the point where it was either do something different or just kill myself and get it over with. It is that point of Desperation, also called the Gift of Desperation, where one becomes willing to look at possibilities and options that one would have never even thought of before, and totally rejected if they had thought of it.

And very gradually I began to actually experience my feelings. Many fits and starts. Many falling into old behaviors and actions to deny feelings and/or change them into something "manageable". And yet I was still progressing. And over time I began to have less episodes of the old activities and behaviors and more of the experiencing my feelings and letting them be what they are.

I finally learned that there is no such thing as "Good" or "Bad" feelings. There are only feelings.

I finally learned that feelings are not Facts. They are only feelings. And all I have to do is feel them.

I finally learned that feelings will often lie to me and paint the worst gloom and doom picture possible and present it as the only possible reality.

I finally learned that when I act from a feeling that what I am really doing is causing pain for myself and others. And none of us deserve this.

As a result of these learnings I have also had to learn to identify what I am feeling. Often what I think I am feeling and what I am actually feeling are two very different things.

I had finally learned that just because I feel Angry that does not mean that I am actually angry. Anger is often my go to for covering up other, less comfortable for me, emotions. Such as Fear. Especially Fear.

And as I am doing these things and learning these, and many more, lessons I began to notice some other things.

I noticed that there is a lot less drama in my life. The more I learned to Identify and Feel my Real Feelings the less drama there is in my life. It is almost like I have less and less room for that type of stuff.

I noticed that I am much more comfortable inside my own skin. That I am actually good with being the person that I am and no longer need to invent someone else to be in order to be.

I sleep much better these days. Throughout much of my life if I was not sliding into a drug induced coma then sleep was going to bed and tossing and turning for two to three hours while my brain assaulted me with the greatest hits of my life of failure parade. And now, I lay down and go to sleep purty darn quickly. I am no longer tortured by my head using my memories.

My Relationships, Family, Friends, etc, have improved tremendously. As I have gotten to know and understand me I have also allowed you to be you. I can accept me, and you, as being exactly who I, and you, are and are not. And I have also distanced myself from some people that I just no longer have time for. Does not mean they are bad people. It just means that I no longer have the time or energy to have them in my life any more.

This is what happened for me after I stopped being afraid to feel and began to experience how to feel. This is available for you also.

Be Brave and Go for it for yourself.

I Promise you, it will be worth it.