Fantasy or Reality?

"I am a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."

Byron Katie

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I have a lot of experience with arguing with reality. It does not happen so much today as it used to. And it still happen occasionally. Fortunately, most times, I am able to catch it when it does happen a lot quicker.

This started when I was very young. At somewhere around five and half to six years old I looked at the world around me and said, deep in my gut, emotionally, not intellectually, "F** this. I'm out", and began to dive into my imagination.

My Imagination was my first, and the one that I sometimes will still struggle with, drug. And how do I know it is a drug and I use it addictively? Because once I start imagining I cannot stop on my own. And once stopped by outside circumstances I cannot stay stopped on my own.

In my imaginings I was usually envisioning myself in some heroic role, rescuing people who needed to be rescued, righting wrongs, and protecting the innocent. All things that I could not do in my own life.

I was living a life inside my head where I was Good, Powerful, and Effective in my life. Able to set Goals and achieve them, and Take Care of others.

In the real world, the world outside of my head, I was a lost, lonely, and confused child trying to figure out how to live in a world that I did not understand at all.

I very much preferred my fantasy world to the real world. And I ask you, who wouldn't? I could be everything I wanted to be, everything that I had no idea how to be, inside my head, and not in the real world.

And then, my addiction got to be too much. And I finally received the Gift of Desperation. What that means is that I finally got desperate enough to either change my life or die. And I did not quite want to die. Yet.

So I began the journey of discovery. And this is where I began to see the illusion that I had created about myself and my life, and began trading that in on who I truly am and what my life truly is.

I began to Reject Fantasy and began to Accept Reality.

Was not, and is not, always comfortable.

For one, I began to see how badly I had lost touch with reality, with the truth of my life. As I have said at times, the truth and I did not even have a waving acquaintance. I had mixed up fantasy so much into my life that reality could not begin to intrude.

I have spent years since then untangling my version of things, fantasy, from what is real and getting rid of it. And let me tell you I have made many unpleasant discoveries about who I have been. And can be again.

So I have this ongoing process of discovery. Discovery of who I really am and discarding the untrue fantasy of myself that I carried around forever. And discovery of who you are as well. Because I had so many f***ed up ideas about you as well. And I had to let go of them as well and allow myself the privilege of getting to know you as you truly are as well. That has been even more fun.

And the world around me has become a much more interesting, and fun, place as I have done this. I have, mostly, gotten rid of the very dark vision of the world that I inhabited and began to see it as it is and discovered that, for the most part, I kinda like this world. It is a brighter, friendlier, place.

Over time I have come to understand a few things along this journey. 1) I really do prefer reality. Even when it is uncomfortable. 2) Sometimes I will slip into old ways of being and begin to live inside fantasy again. I have to vigilant and allow those who know me to help me get back to reality. 3) That even when I am going to be uncomfortable living in Truth it serves me so much better in both short term and long living to live in truth. In reality.

And the final truth, when I am feeling really strong negative feelings I need to be on special guard. For that is when I can really fall out of reality hard. And that is when my worst impulses can rear up and seem like a god idea. So, for me, Anger, Hate, Blame, are really bad news.

And Gratitude, Love, Empathy, Compassion, are the only antidotes to those negative ways of being. Those are what allow me to be a whole human and member of society.

Today I know who I am. And who you are.

Do You?