Mental Distractions and Other Avoidance "Therapies"

 My first drug was my imagination. At a very young age I began retreating inside my imagination to create a world where I mattered. As I felt that in the world as it is I do not matter.

And my imagination also became my first Avoidance "Therapy".

And I call it that because when I was in my imagination then I did not have to deal with the real world. I could avoid all of the unpleasantness that was my reality.

And, like all addictions, over time this was no longer sufficient.

So I developed other ways to avoid reality.

Reading was a huge one. I could get lost in a book where the world around me did not exist at all. This was, I have known for years, an extension of and fuel for my imagination.

I also began the blame game. IE; my life was everyone else's fault. I bore no responsibility thus there was nothing for me to fix. Why should I look at what is clearly, to me, yours to fix? I should not.

There was also the variation of the Blame Game called the Self Pity game. Because it was always someone else's fault I had plenty of ways of saying, and believing, "Look what they have done to me. If you had these things happen to you then you would understand. Oh whoa is me".

And of, using a lot of different substances to remain as high as I possibly could. While being in total denial that I was using these substances either addictively or self destructively.

We also had video games. Could get lost for hours on my Sega Genesis or the other gaming systems that my friends had. Get stoned and game. Great way to ignore life.

Eventually I stopped using substances. Took a lot of years and a lot of practice to begin getting the other ones under some sort of control.

And then the internet showed up. And I jumped into that like nothing else. It has so many more ways of getting lost and being oblivious.

And then, several years later, Social Media became a thing. And that added Rocket Fuel to my ability to ignore the world as it is.

So I have many ways of distracting myself from life. And I am doing my best to practice a program of recovery. Makes for a heck of an interesting dichotomy let me tell you.

Because in Recovery what I am trying to do is learn how to Live Life. And for the most part I have. And yet, Mental Distractions and other Avoidance behaviors still show up. And sometimes, less that before and still too often, I find myself wasting time that I should be doing other things. Because I am afraid.

Fear is the big driver of those behaviors today. Like it always has been. I find that when I am unsure of an outcome, that I afraid to take the risk. And all of my "best" avoidance behaviors come knocking.

It is up to me whether or not I open the door and let them in.

And sometimes, I do.

Darn