Masculinity in America

 One of the things that I talk about is that "I grew up in John Wayne's America. Where men are men, sheep are scared, and dog's are nervous". And when I say that I am trying to put a little bit of levity into a very important and not even remotely funny topic.

Because I grew up in that type of masculinity. Where men did not show their feelings, and if they did they were mocked and made to feel less than for it. Where men did not ask for help because then they would just "prove" that they were weak and not "real men". Because "real men" took care of their busyness and never asked for help.

In this type of masculinity being "The Man of the House" was the ideal. And woman were objects, property. They were most assuredly NOT men's equals. And children were to be "seen and not heard". Again, property.

And bullying, in both children and adults, was an accepted part of life. It was thought that it would "toughen" a person up. And while this mostly happened among boys and men I am reliably informed, I do have six sisters, that woman experienced bullying as well.

So that is the environment that I grew up in. And with some other things going on in my life I became a very silent person. Everything that I felt was stuffed away where you could never see it. Nor could I.

Later in life I became a person of Recovery. And there they said "This is really simple. You only need to change one thing. And that's everything".

And I struggled with that for a long time. Because I was afraid. Afraid of you, afraid of me, afraid of dying, afraid of living. Afraid of Life.

Yet I still hung in there.

I still kept trying and, after a long time, I finally found myself able to start getting in touch with my feelings, allow my feelings to express, and not resist them, as much.

This is still ongoing. I have had many times where I fell back into the behaviors that I do not want, and not been the person I aim to be. Lifelong journey is the journey to ones self.

So I have discovered something, that I was a walking example of Toxic Masculinity. Among other things. And that I wanted to have Human Relationships I would need to stop denying my feelings, and develop a new way of Masculinity. A gentler Manhood. To become a Gentle Man.

And, for the most part, over the years I have become that. A Gentle Man. A man who is in touch with his feelings. A man who can ask for help when needed, although I still struggle with that at times. A man who can cry with Joy, or Sorrow. A man who can be Vulnerable and Open. A man that can experience true Intimacy. Which has nothing to do with sex by the way.

And over the years my relationship with woman has changed. It has improved beyond anything that I could have imagined. They are People in their Own Right with whom I have a respectful and wonderful time with.

I will never forget, several years ago, a woman approached me at an event, someone who had always been kinda distant. And she said the most incredible thing. She said, "I hope that you keep doing what you are doing. I am no longer afraid of you".

I just broke down crying.

And my relationship with men has changed as well. I have deep and abiding friendships with men. We support each other instead of being in competition with each other. We can be vulnerable and we help and empathize instead of mocking and belittling.

So huge changes in my life because I adjusted within myself to become a Man instead of a scared little boy trying to be a man. And this journey is still ongoing. Got a long way to go yet.

So why am I writing about this? Do I enjoy exposing myself like this to you, the reader?

No. I am writing this because I can.

And the other night I was watching the Democratic National Convention. It was the night that the Governor of Minnesota, Tim Walz, was giving his speech to accept the parties nomination for Vice President of the United States.

At the start he was talking about his family and his and the wife, Gwen's, struggles with infertility. And his joy when his first child, his daughter, was born. And he said they named her Hope in honor of this. And Hope, she formed a Heart with her hands and mouthed, "I Love You" to her Dad.

And he said "Hope, Gus, and Gwen, you are my entire world and I love you". I truly loved that moment of a man publicly expressing Love for his family.

And his Son, Gus, with tears streaming down his face, stood up and said, "I love you" and "That's my Dad" with obvious pride.

For most of the Human Race this was a wonderfully touching moment that showed who these people are. And Dad and Mom definitely have done right as parents. This whole family is not ashamed of Love, or the Love that they have for each other. In fact they are, in my opinion quite rightly, proud of it and willing to show it to each other and anyone else that happens to be there. they are not constrained or willing to hide their feelings. They Celebrate them instead.

There is, however, another segment of our society that does not celebrate them. Or Gus. And they, mostly, come from the right side of the political spectrum. And the following quote from a somewhat prominent member of that segment will, I think, illustrate this.

A fairly well known radio talk show host host tweeted the following, "Sorry, but this is embarrassing for both father and son. If the Walzs represent today's American man, this country is screwed; 'Meet my son, Gus. He's a blubbering bitch boy. His mother and I are very proud.'"

There is more like this. And I am not going to go get any more. If you want to you can. I am not interested in any more. There are plenty of examples just like this from prominent people and not so prominent people. It is sickening.

This sickness, while diminishing, still infects our society. It still affects children who experience it and the emotional after effects go long after one has grown up and gotten away from it.

And that is not to say adults do not experience bullying. They do. Whether in the Corporate World, in the Blue Collar World, the Medical World, there are still to many powerful people who use that power to inflate there own sense of importance at the expense of other people.

Mostly, but not limited to, the male side of the set as perpetrators.

So what do we do about this?

Well, for me, I continue my journey to becoming a Gentle Man. I keep doing the internal work needed to make sure that I never become that again. Because yes, I did become a bully at times in my life. Don't believe me then ask my family. I never will be that again, just for today.

And, when I see bullying or other mistreatment of people, I will step in. I have before and I will again.

Because it is going to take all of us, every single one of us, to redefine what Masculinity means. Redefine what it means to Be A Man.

No longer can we tolerate bullies. Whether in our classrooms and playgrounds, in our workplaces, or political sphere. We can no longer tolerate the type of behavior that denigrates another freely. We must learn better and then we must do better.

And when we do this, then I foresee a world that has much more Joy in it. A world where people are no longer afraid to go places for fear that they will see the one who makes them so unhappy. A world that is free from that pain and able to be of service openly and with humility.

I like that vision. Do you?