True Insanity

 For many years I was in denial of many things. One of the biggest was in my drug use and the insanity surrounding it. Until the very end I could not see the insanity that was my life. And when I did it started with a problem with a particular substance. That was so visible that it masked so much of the rest of my life.

I had spent my life trying to change how I felt at any given moment. I never, ever, wanted to be me. As I say, and is sadly true, I always wanted to be someone else, somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else. I never wanted to be where my feet were.

I also was experiencing Mental Health issues from a young age. Depression was already a part of my life and suicidal ideation was already a part of my life. In those days it was just not something people talked about so I never knew that this was not good or something that could be addressed. And that I was not the only one in the world who experienced these things.

Being Alone was just the way it was I thought. And there was no hope of ever doing it any differently. Of Being anything Different.

When I entered the rooms of Recovery I began to hear some different things. And I, who did not even have a waving acquaintance with the truth by this time, I had been dis-honest for so long, especially to myself, knew that this was the truth that I was hearing. Somehow.

And one of the things that I heard was the definition of Insanity. That being, "Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". And I have no issue with that definition. I believe that the early part of my life I expected to be able to make things work out the way that I wanted because I believed that I was smart enough to figure it out, and stubborn enough to outlast anything and anyone that would make it different. And, because I lived in the fantasy that said this was possible.

And as I learned more the truth about my life I began to feel that this definition, while very true, did not say it all for me. That there was a different insanity that I was qualified for and that I did not understand what it was yet.

And then I heard it. I was listening to a person share one time, years ago, and they said, "True insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and knowing the results. And then doing it anyway".

I sat up and felt it hit in every fiber of my being. Because that had been the last ten years of my using, and, to some extent, the first eight to ten years of my recovery.

Because the last ten years of my using I knew what the results of my actions were going to be every time. All the way through. The actions that I had to take to get funding, the actions that I had to take to acquire means and opportunity, and what was going to happen when I used what I got.

I knew at every stage and had long passed where I thought that I could make it any different. And did it anyway. That is true Insanity. And desperation. And hopelessness.

And when in the rooms of recovery the only thing that changed was that I no longer used mood or mind altering chemicals. Well, I kept and still have, coffee. And nothing else changed. I went through the motions of recovery, did all the actions recommended and learned the language so that I sounded real good, and yet never faced myself in any of the "work" that I did. So nothing really changed.

And, deep inside as far down as I could bury it, I knew that nothing as changing really. My life was better because I was not using substances. Very true. And the essential person that had to get high was still running the show.

And, as we say, "If nothing changes then nothing changes".

So here I was in Recovery. And I was not actually doing the work. I was going through the motions of doing the work. In my writings I was writing about events and never myself. I was presenting well, sounding good, and behind that exterior I was still that scared little boy trying to hide from a world that I did not understand. I was afraid.

And on some level I knew that if I did not walk through that fear then nothing was going to be any different. For eight years I knew what I was doing was the same old s**t, that I was getting the same results, my life was completely unmanageable, and was still doing it anyway.

And what was even worse, I knew that this worked for all of you. I saw your lives getting better and could see and hear the peace that you had in your life. And just could not believe that it would work for me.

The True Insanity that is rooted in Being Hopeless.

And then it happened. I finally got so sick of my life that it was either do something different, something that terrified me, get real and honest about my life in Recovery, or kill myself. Because I already knew that getting high was not the answer so it was either or.

So I chose, once again, to live. And I began the process of actually Recovering. I walked through my Fear and wrote about My Life and how I felt about Me in my Step Writing and Sharing with my Sponsor.

And I began to get better. How do I now? For one I began to go to sleep at night fairly quickly instead f tossing and turning. I began to feel that I was not a bad person, just a person trying to heal. I became ok with looking at my self in reflective surfaces. I became quieter.

And I began to understand that the true Insanity in my life had been all the years of doing what I knew was not good for me or those around me, knowing what the results would be, and doing it anyway because I could not envision any other way for me too be. Doing the same thing over and over again and knowing the results.

I no longer have to live that way. I have a choice today. And I am eternally grateful that I found the people who could teach me this and were patient enough to let me to get there in my own time.

So today, what is your insanity that you cannot seem to get a handle on? Will you accept help even though it scares the gee willikers out of you?

Please, go find your community and break free from the insanity. I promise you that Freedom lies on the other side of this insanity.

I promise you this.