What Am I Looking For?

 For so much of my life I went through life seeing all of the negativity, seeing only wrong. And it was a crazy thing. And it produced so much negativity from myself and I spread it out into the world.

And this is despite the fact that I looked at and experienced a lot of positive things in this world.

I have been a Star Trek fan pretty much all of my life. First found it when I was nine years old and became an avid experiencer of it. And Star Trek is a very Hopeful and Forward Looking way of seeing the future. I truly believe that any hope that I have for the future survived to today because of that show.

I also read a lot of Science Fiction and Fantasy stuff. And it was, mostly, very forward looking and hopeful stuff.

I could give you more examples and I won't. I think that you are intelligent enough to get the idea.

And the reason that I was so negative in my outlook and always looking for the negative in life was I was locked into resenting a past that did not really exist. I had no acceptance at all. This past had a lot of not real nice things about it, that was true. And, I had also misremembered things giving them aspects which, much later in life, I had to internally correct.

For example, with my step father I had blamed him for our relationship for many years. It was only recently that I saw the part that I had played in setting up that relationship. I did not "see" that for a loong time because it had to be his fault. Right? I had to own my parts, many, in that relationship.

Does that mean he is "off the hook" for his part in the relationship? No. It means that I am taking responsibility for my side of the street and letting him be responsible for his side of the street.

I also get to practice forgiveness in this. For all of us. I get to forgive those who have done wrong in their relationship to me and I get to forgive my self for the wrongs that I committed in my relations to others. And then the hardest place to practice forgiveness for me, to practice forgiveness for all the wrongs that I have done to others in my relationship to them. And practice forgiveness to myself for all the wrongs that I have committed in my relationship to myself.

Even had a hard time writing that.

And as I have done these things my vision has gradually cleared.

I have, slowly and with backsliding happening, began to see the world in a much better light. I am no longer looking for the negativity in the world. No longer looking to find "what is wrong".

I am beginning to see, more and more, all the things that are "Right" with this world. I am seeing the Joy, Wonder, Passion, Hope, Helping, Supporting, and Community, among all the good things, that is taking place in this world. And that is a much better way of seeing this world.

Does that mean that I no longer see the negativity in the word? No. I still see it. I know it is still there. And it does not overwhelm me. It does not color my worldview. It is not the only thing that I see. I see it, notice it, and pivot to see the good stuff. Because that is the word that I want to live in. That is the world that I want to create for myself and the people around me. That is the World that I want to Live in.

The weekend that just passed I was at a wonderful event. And I experienced nothing but Love. Had a fantastic time.

And I kept hearing about these folks that were complaining about things being wrong. And I could not, for the life of me, understand what in the heck they were complaining about.

And then I got it. I was not looking for that. I was looking for the Positive and was finding it. They were looking for the Negative and were finding it.

And I am Profoundly Grateful that I live in the World created by Being in a Positive World. Because I still remember the world that I lived in when I was always looking for the negative. It was a very dark world to live in. Living in a Forward Thinking and Looking for the Positive in Life is a much brighter place to be.

I think that I will stay in the Brighter World view for the rest of my life. Just For Today.

What are you looking for?