Being a (Step) Parent

I was talking with a friend on the phone today. A person that I have not spoken to in a few years. We used to talk on a regular basis and then life happened and we drifted in different directions. Nothing bad. We just stopped talking.

And he was talking about being married now, which I had known about, and being a Step Father in a blended family, which I had also known about and had not really stuck in my head.

And as he is talking about this, especially around Christmas and other Holidays when everyone wants to celebrate with this child, I was also hearing the Joy and Pride that he took in being a Positive Role Model for this child.

As he was talking I was reflecting back on my growing up in a blended family like that, with a Step Father, with family that was not biologically related to me, and reflecting on my very different experience.

I have written enough about my growing up life in other places for you all to know what I am talking about. A brief summary, it was very different from my friend.

Later in life, during my alleged adult life, I had a chance to be a parental figure a couple of times to children who could have really used a positive parental figure in their lives at that point. The first two times I failed miserably. I had no idea how to be an adult myself, never mind a positive figure.

The third time, after I had started the process of growing up, which I have still not finished, I did somewhat better. I was with a woman for a number of years, her kids grew up with me. And today, they are 24 and twins at 22, I still have a relationship with 2 of them.

The oldest one, at 24 years old, and I have the closest relationship. We talk, mostly via text, fairly regularly. Of the twins, at 22, I only have a, very long distance, with one of them. I really screwed up with the other. If that one will ever talk to me again I would do my absolute best to make amends. And would completely mean it as well.

So I have experience with Step Parenting from both sides. Not a huge amount. Just enough to know something about it.

I believe that being the parent of a child that is not biologically yours is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. In this the person has all of the obligations of being an adult parental figure with very few of the rewards.

And if you have children coming from a bad break up where the two parents are not effectively co-parenting and at odds with each other, like happened in my family, then the step parent will have to deal with a lot of anger. Undeserved for the most part. And directed at them because they are there and visible.

And, as I have written else where, this is what my step father had to deal with. I was very angry and unloaded it on him.

And it takes a very strong person to get thru all of that with their personhood intact. He stepped into a huge mess and did the best that he could, and I did everything that I could do to derail him, and sometimes did well and other times not so well. He got all of the responsibilities and none of the benefits of being a parent.

And I have seen successful step parenting done as well. And it takes a strong, and humble, person to do this. And it usually, not always, takes the two biological parents putting aside their own stuff and learning to co-parent in a kind and loving way that benefits everyone. Especially the kids.

I admire anyone who has the chutzpa to step into a parental role with a child that they have no DNA with. And I really admire the ones who can put aside whatever they need to put aside in order to do it well. Which means provide a Loving and Nurturing Environment to this child and any others that show up.

I did not really experience that myself even though they tried their best.

I could not really provide that when given the chance.

Big Love, Hugs, and Respect to those that do.

Because Love is the only Super Power we have.

Let us start using it.