Well That Didn't Look Like What I Wanted

 I remember when I was young, probably in my preteen years, I had this fantasy about being a Rock and Roll Drummer in a band. I obsessed over that idea for several years.

So one day my Step Father handed me this square thing made of wood with a round rubber pad on it. It was a gift, I think for my birthday.

And I had no understanding of what this was. He tried to explain t me that this was a drum pad. And that this is what new drummers started with to learn timing etc. And he was correct. I now believe that he went to a music store and the people there had explained all this too him and he had given me that to help me to get started based on their advice.

So I believe. I will never know.

This did not look like a drum set to me. This did not look like anything having to do with learning how to be a drummer. And it was definitely NOT what I wanted.

And today I feel badly about this. After all, my Step Father, Henry, was doing the best he could to help me realize a dream that I had. And I did not have any appreciation for this at all. I had no understanding at all, did not want any understanding at all. And, because this did not look like I thought it should, I never recognized the thought and effort he put into this and resented him for not getting me a drum.

As I reflect on this I can see throughout my life where so many times I received a gift, or a thing of value in some form or another, and discounted it because it did not appear as I perceived that it should. I perceived it as "different", and therefore not what I wanted, and therefore of no value to me.

How many relationships, all of them, not just romantic, have I thrown away because they did not look like I thought they should look? How many jobs did I not even try for because they did not look like something I could do or would like? How many opportunities to improve my life have I thrown away because the packaging did not match my vision for what something like that should look like?

I know today that the numbers for the above questions are purty big. Much bigger than I would want to admit publicly. And it is all because my "knowing" what things should look like and should not look like.

Today I work real hard, and still sometimes fail, at not letting appearance alone guide my actions and/or reactions. I work real hard on seeing underneath the appearance to see what things truly are. And I still have a lot of room to improve at this.

And the way that I can do this is to allow myself to be guided by Love, Hope, Acceptance, Humility, and all of those other "Spiritual Principles" that I have been learning about and applying to my life for last few decades.

And by asking for help from the people in my life when I am having a hard time with guiding my life by those principles.

Could I do a better job at this? Yes. Of course. One of the things that I struggle with in this is my own idea of how "advanced" I should be in my life. That I should, after all this time and work, should be "better" than this.

And that is, again, me rejecting myself because I do not "look" like I perceive that I should. And that perception can be deadly.

So, as always, it comes down to my perception of what is in front of me. What am I looking at things thru? Principles or Self Centered Fear? Which one I am looking at the world thru will totally control how I see things.

So I invite you, look at what you are looking at the world thru. Is it a Positive and Realistic view? Or is it a Negative and Fearful view. Only each of us individually can answer that question.

In closing, We must all Love each other or Die. Love, It is the Only Rational Act.