When Depression Hits

 For the last few weeks I have felt myself slipping into a depressive episode. So I, of course, did what I do best. Ignored it, denied it to myself, and pretended that I am just fine thank you very much and how are you doing?

I am not just fine thank you.

I have been having to deal with depression for most, if not all, of my life. And I have not done a really good job of it over the years. The last several years I have gotten better at it, and I am not real good at it.

As people who have been reading my writings for a while know I grew up in less than ideal circumstances. Not blaming anyone, we all do the best we can. And sometimes the best we can do is not that great. Just as true for me as anyone.

And in those times we did not talk about things. Especially not mental health. The stigma around mental health issues was even stronger then than it is now. And it pretty potent still.

So I learned, at a very young age, to not talk about things. To stuff them away as to be unseen and unheard. And when they finally could not be repressed anymore, and exploded out of me, usually at the worst time and with no relation to what was going on at the time, to very harshly blame myself for being weak and stupid. Self loathing of the most heinous sort.

And that is still a part of me. Even though I have learned that none of that is true, there is still a piece of me, that lives in the nonverbal reaction part of me, that feels shame and guilt over being so weak and stupid. I should be better than this it keeps telling me. And I must be too stupid too figure this out so why do you even bother any more.

All this is going very deep inside, where my feelings live. And when in the middle of a episode of Being Depressed Emotionally it is only visible in how I act Because, on the surface, I am Fine (F***ed, Insecure, Neurotic, Emotional 😝).

As this is going on I am usually very quiet and isolating. Oh I will talk. Just not about the fact that getting out of bed is getting very difficult. And I will be around people, while being a zillion miles away internally. I am physically present when I must be and emotionally so distant that I may as well be in a different universe.

And mostly I just try, usually successfully, to remain by myself with no other people around.

Over the last several years I have begun to be somewhat open about my struggles with mental health. Not usually while it is happening though. Usually after the fact or as a thing that happened before. Almost all the time not while it is going on. There have been a couple of times recently that I have talked about it while it is happening and this is not a usual thing. And it is a very small audience that I share with.

So why am I being this open while it is going on? Because I am finally learning to apply my knowing, that when shared it is easier to walk thru. When shared I can then allow people to help me thru it so I don't have to feel alone. And when shared I sometimes help others who are dealing with their own mental health issues and feel alone.

And also, to remind myself, that even when I do not believe it is true, there are things that I can do for myself to get thru this without having to destroyed by it. And here they are:

• When the alarm goes off get up. Do not hesitate at all. Why? Because a body in motion tends to stay in motion and a body at rest tends to stay at rest.
• Get in the shower immediately. There is something about taking a shower that really puts a damper on depression. It is one of the magic hacks of the universe. I do not understand it. I just know that it works.
• As soon as I get out of the shower make coffee, breakfast, whatever the morning routine is. Do not sit down.
• Keep moving. Find ways to be busy. As my man Norman used to tell me all the time when I was paralyzed by depression, "Move a Muscle and Move a Thought". Another hack from the universe.

I am sure there are more. This is what works for me. When I actually do it.

So if you are reading this and you are a person who deals with Mental Health Issues, Welcome. You are not alone. There is help for you out there. Even if you do not believe it. It is so.

And ultimately that is why I write. So that I can remind myself that there is a solution. And I can help those who feel alone to feel less alone. And encourage them to talk to somebody. Find that person in your life with whom you can an honest and judgement free conversation. Even if you have to pay them. Professional help is not anything to be ashamed of.

So Thank You for listening to me and helping me to remember that I am not alone and that there are solutions.

If I can help you in any way then please reach out. I will what I can.

And also feel free to share in the comment section of this, or any of my blogs.