How I Act and/or React

 When I was young I developed a set of really unhealthy coping mechanisms to a life that I did not like and scared the living heck out of me.

One of the biggest is I became a Reactionary. Instead of having a considered response to anything I had an emotional reaction to everything. They were automatic and required no thought or consideration. I was like a push button automaton. Everything I felt, said, and displayed just rolled out. No thought required.

And for many years that is how I rolled. And I kept wondering why my life was a mess all the time.

As I began a journey of healing and discovery I had to learn how to Respond instead of React. And when all I have done in my life is react then replacing it with responding is difficult. To say the least.

And just to clarify, a Reaction is an automatic response that requires no intellectual effort, no thinking, and is preprogrammed, and usually fueled by emotion. It happens instantly. A Response is something that does require thought. It requires one to pause for a moment and try to see the situation for what it is instead of what my emotions are telling me that it is. It is in this moment that I choose instead of just going off.

Today I usually, not always, Respond instead of React. I am still a work in progress.

This morning I got a phone call from a friend. This person was calling to let me know that a friend in common had passed away during the night. They had OD'ed and the persons spouse, whom I also know, had found them.

My instant reaction was to swear, wail, and make other displays of emotion. Instead I responded by taking a deep breathe, saying something like oh heck, and Thanking the person who called me and asking how they are doing with this. We talked for about five minutes and then went on about our days.

And I am still roiling in reactionary feelings. And my feelings are going to happen. I have no control over that. It is my actions that will tell me, and you, whether I am Reacting or Responding.

Because one of the biggest things that I have had to do is learn how to take that breathe, that pause, and consider what I am about to do. To separate Who I Am from How I Feel. And, while I can talk about it all day long, I cannot always successfully do this. I am, sometimes, still reactionary. I am also getting better.

So, Just For Today, Just For This Moment, I am Responding to Life instead of Reacting to it.

How about you? Reacting or Responding?

It is really a choice. In the moment.

What are you choosing?