A Time of Reflection

 As I am here this morning looking back on the year that, in the western tradition, is passing, I am, once again, struck by how much it is in my relationship to others that my life gains any meaning for me. And yes, I am fully aware that this is meaning that I choose to give it.

This past year, like every year, and any moment that I choose to reflect on, had many challenges. And joys. And moments of meh. And everything in between. Another words, it was a pretty standard life.

And I am reflecting on the quality, and quantity, of the relationships in my life as well.

Some of those relationships are tolerable. We can be in each others presence and not get on each other. And there really is not much more to it than that. We do not have much in common and may not even like each other as human beings. That is a very small number.

And some of those relationships, many of them, are casual. We get along and like each other. And we don't spend a lot of time in each others company. That is most of them.

And some, a much smaller number, are really tight. And we share our most intimate self with each other and help each other thru any and all challenges. We celebrate our Joys and mourn our losses together. That a very small number.

Most of my relationships are somewhere in between for me. Not super tight, and not tolerable. Great when together and not anything special when apart. I think, personally, that most human relationships are like that.

In my family relationships things get tangled. As it does for all of us I think. I Love them all. And I have different relationships with all. Some of them are "Good" and some of them are not so "Good". Most fall somewhere in between.

And romantic relationships. I do not have a very good record in that department. And that is all I shall say on that subject 😂

And then we have relationships to things. I have a deep relationship with Music. Not all music, not a fan of country music or gangsta rap. Nothing wrong with those brands of music. It is just not my gig. And some, or all, of what I listen to is certainly not someone else's gig. I find much joy, reflection, discovery, and introspection in music.

For example, as I write this part I am listening to "Foreplay/Longtime" by the band Boston. And I am reflecting back to a long time ago when I was very young and dating a young lady named Cathy DeLong. We loved this band. I wish that I still had a picture of the two of us kneeling down and I was holding their fist album and she was holding their second album. That is an association that I have with that bands music. And, even though I have not seen or spoken to her since I was 15, long story, I still have a relationship with her thru my memories.

And finally, the relationship with Self. My relationship with Me. That is a mixed bag. For many years I had a horrible relationship with myself. I hated the person that I was and saw no way out. That changed after a long time and a lot of work. Today I, mostly, have a good relationship with myself. Most days. Not all days.

So I am looking back and reflecting on how much my relationships have sustained me, upheld me, thru this last year. Pretty sure that without those relationships that I would have cashed it in a long time ago.

I have a lot of meaningful relationships in my life all across the spectrum. And it is in those relationships that I find the strength to carry on, the willingness to grow, the meaning of my life for me, and the purpose that motivates me to keep going.

And in doing this I am seeing how much I need to reinvest in some relationships. I am not the best at maintaining those relationships that matter to me.

On reflecting like this I can draw some conclusions. I am a Human Being. I am not perfect. I am neither a good person or a bad person. And yes, I get that those are value judgements that we make that may or may not have any relationship to reality.

And, it is in Relationships that I am able to be Human. It is Relationships that gave me back my lost Humanity. It was in Relationship to You that I was able to transform my Relationship with My Self from self hatred and loathing into a Loving Relationship with my Self.

So, as this calendar year comes to a close I have many ways in which to be grateful.

For, tomorrow at 7:00 AM, it will be 27 years since I walked out of the Sullivan County (NH) House of Corrections and chose to pursue a life of Complete Abstinence from all substances. Except coffee 😂. And to practice a program of Recovery. I chose Life over Death. And I continue to make that choice every day since then.

And by that choice, with your help, I have been given a Life that is worth Living.

All because I started having Relationships, instead of just existing inside myself in a very lonely life.

So Thank You all for my Life.