Acceptance is the answer...

 In the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous, AKA The Big Book, there is a passage, was page 449 in the 3rd edition, is page 417 of the 4th edition, that says:

"Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation—some fact of my life—unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment."

I find that to be true in my life as well. Until I accept everything, exactly as it is and is not, I will not be able to deal with it effectively.

So what does Acceptance mean? Let us look at dictionary.com and find out.

1. the act of taking or receiving something that is offered
2. favorable reception; approval; favor
3. the act of assenting or believing: acceptance of a theory

For me definition 3 is the one that comes closest for this context.

Now let me add some things here about what acceptance is not. I do that so we can begin to clear wreckage away towards being able to see what it is. This is a very useful exercise when I am having a hard time seeing what a person, place, thing, or situation actually is.

Acceptance is not:

• Approval. Just because I accept what is does not mean that I approve of it.
• Liking. Just because I accept it does not mean I like it.
• Willingness. Just because I accept it does not mean that I am willing to let it be the same for eternity.
• Letting them off the hook. Just because I accept something does not mean that the people involved, including myself, are absolved of responsibility for their actions.

Now what does this look like in my life? What is it that I need to see in myself so that I can practice acceptance in everything? Especially those things that I am really resistant to accepting? I am glad that you asked.

When I am resisting accepting something, a person, place, thing, or situation, there are visible signs that I and those around me can see.

• I am arguing with everything, either externally or internally, or both.
• I am resistant to any solution others offer.
• I am insistent that things must be as I want.
• I am basically resistant to anything that does not originate from inside my fevered head.

I could go on. I think that this gives us a good overview however. It all really comes down to that I am stuck in "It's my way or the highway" either loudly or internally and silent. Either way it is there and visible.

An example of this, and my family will remember this I think, when I was 10 or 11 years old my Step Father decided that I was going to wash the dishes after dinner at night. Not an unreasonable thing. All I had to do was rinse the dishes and load them into the dishwasher. Going slow it would have taken no more that fifteen minutes.

I reacted really strongly to this. For some reason my child mind took this as a HUGE imposition on my life, it was TOTALLY UNFAIR to me. How dare he do this TO ME!!!

And, internally, I said No. Not just No, I said Oh Hell No!!!

What I had not learned, and could not accept when pointed out to me, was that this was just part of being a member of a household. There was nothing Unfair about this. It was not something "being done to me". That in being a nasty little self centered child I was the one being unfair.

And yes, I was a nasty little self centered child. That was what I had learned. I had not learned to be a human being yet. That was many years down the road. So I stayed locked in on what others had done to me and took no responsibility for my life at all.

And, in that matrix of being, was completely unfair to the world around me.

And I continued in my silent defiance. I never openly said F*** You. I ain't doing it. No. What I did instead was, after dinner was over and the table cleared into the sink, I would stand in front of a sink full of dishes waiting. I was waiting until my step father finally went to sleep. And then my Mother would come down and growl "Go to bed" and do the dishes. This was so massively unfair to her. Among others.

And that also contributed to the unmanageability in my life. I was defying all authority, sometimes silently and sometimes openly, and it was never my fault. My life was completely unmanageable and full of chaos and confusion. And it was everybody else's fault. And it showed up in everything.

Many, many years later I began, because of the work I was doing in personal development thru the 12 Steps of Recovery in NA and other outside things, I began to see my total Self Centered lack of Acceptance and Responsibility for my life.

And I found this very hard to accept. It was at total odds with the picture that I had of myself. I really believed that I was a good guy who cared about others. The fact that I was not went down vey hard.

And, I had to accept that or I would never be able to do anything about it. And I wanted to do something about it. And, as a friend told me, when you want to start a journey you have to start from where you actually are, not where you wish you were, in order to get to the destination that you want.

And over the years I have been at the destination that I want. Peace, occasionally even serenity, has become a part of my life. I am not always peaceful, and even less times serene, and I do experience those states.

And I have been able to understand something as well, Acceptance is not the answer. Acceptance is the beginning. Without acceptance I will never get the answer. I will get a lot of answers, none of them based in reality however.

So, too live a life based in Reality, I must First Accept the Reality I have in front of me as the Actual Reality.

It is then, and only then, that I can begin to find answers and experience Peace.

So, what are you not accepting today? What are you resisting that you think will be too painful to bear? What is it that you are running away from using a false picture of reality in order to not face?

And isn't Now a good time to Accept the Person, Place, Thing, or Situation as it is and is not so that you may find Peace?

I think that it is.