Fear Stops Me

 When I was very young, less than one year old, my family lived in Toronto Ontario. Canada. My parents were members of an expanding organization that they truly believed in. Thus they had travelled a lot.

For example, My two older sister wee born in Melbourne Australia. My oldest brother was born in Washington DC, my next brother was born in Opa-Locka Florida. And me, my folks were on a road trip and in was born in a hotel in Detroit Michigan. My next sister was born in Toronto.

Then some things happened and my parents split up and my Mother got together with my Step Father. Thus my next sister, brother, and two sisters, were born in Unity/Claremont New Hampshire.

My Father, meanwhile, had met a much younger lady and they had my brother Patrick, who later changed his name to David. Then my Father and his wife split up and she had three more daughters, whom I consider my sisters, and the whole family branch is complete.

So roots were not really a thing.

Now, going back to when I was young, less than a year old. I have my very first memory.

I was in what I can now identify as the back seat of the family car. I am told that it was an AMC Rambler. And I could hear two voices, which I knew was my Father and Mother, arguing bitterly. I did not know what they were saying, I could hear the bitter anger in their voices though. It was, to put it mildly, unsettling for me.

And it was that moment that FEAR moved into my life and made itself at home.

And ever since Fear has played a huge part in my life. In everything that I did and experienced Fear was there coloring it.

For example, when I was 5 1/2 to 6 years old, somewhere in there, I metaphorically looked at the world around me and said, deep down inside much more as a feeling than a verbal statement, "F*** this. I don't want anything to do with this. I'm out".

I think that it was at that point that my journey of addiction truly began. I started living inside my head and Fantasy was my drug. I lived inside of Fantasy as much as I possibly could.

And how do I know that fantasy was a drug for me? Very simple: 1) Once I started fantasizing I could not stop on my own and 2) Once i was stopped from fantasizing by outside forces I could not stay stopped on my own. And my life was made very unmanageable.

Part of the unmanageability was that even when having to engage the outside world I was still trying to engage it as if the fantasy was real. I had no real connection with reality.

And I was always afraid that my life would never be any better and that I would never get to live the life that I wanted.

Part of that was that I was never truly interacting with the people around me. I had a picture of them built up inside of my head and could never understand why they would not behave the way that I "knew" that they should.

What I now understand is that all of my fantasy addiction was my efforts to control the world around me, a world that scared the hell outta me, and get the outcomes that I desired from every person, place, or situation that was in front of me. And Fantasy gave me the only reality that I wanted along with the Illusion of Control over my life.

As time went on I became more afraid and kept trying to be even more in control.

And everything that I did, everything that I experienced, was colored by Fear. Completely and totally Self Centered Fear. And, I would argue, all fear is self centered fear.

Eventually I began to try to connect with reality. Mostly thru the 12 Steps of Recovery as outlined in the NA program. I also did some therapy and some other Transformational programs. From the beginning though my Home has been in the 12 Step Program of Narcotics Anonymous. That is where I do my work.

And that is where my, ongoing, efforts to disconnect myself from the fantasy world that I have spent most of my life in and connect with the real world as it exists. I say ongoing because Fantasy is the one drug that I still struggle with. I can still find myself interacting with the world thru my lens of what I want the person, place, or situation to be instead of what it actually is.

I have found that I still want to face the world as I think that it aught to be instead of how it is because I am afraid of the world as it is still. I cannot Control it so, there fore, I am Afraid of it.

And, FYI, today I know that Control is just an Illusion.

So here I am, getting up there in age, and still experiencing Fear in everything that I do. Sometimes, not as often as I would like, able to walk thru that fear and still live decently, and a lot of times not.

And I so wish that this were not still true. I have done immense amounts of work on myself. And had some really wonderful results in my life as well. In so many different ways I have a quality of life that is amazing. Truly a life worth living.

And in this one place, it seems like I can make little headway.

Even as I say that I know that is a lie that fear tells me. I have made a lot of headway there. And yet, I still feel stuck in so many ways. It still has a massive affect on my life in ways that I don't want and that leads to results that are the antitheses of the results that I want.

And, shocking and surprising, my two biggest places of fear are Finance and Romance. I know that will surprise you all 😂

In Finance I have been trying to work out a way to live the Laptop Lifestyle. To be mostly retired while still having an income. And I have seen many different ways of doing this. And I have seen how people are making money doing this. I have even started up some. And, every time that it get's to where I need to go all in I get scared. And it shows up as Procrastination thru Overwhelm, or Procrastination thru Analysis, or Procrastination thru Distraction, etc. Until I just give up and dive down another rabbit hole.

Thus wasting Time and Money.

And in Romance, I see ladies that I like. And ignore the liking. Never explore whether it could go any further as I "don't want to be pushy or insensitive". Or "I have seen nothing to indicate such an approach would be welcome". Or "I don't want to be creepy". And others. Always perfectly plausible. And always Fear Based.

So, in my life, fear shows up all the time. And it is often disguised as something else.

And yet, there have been times in my life where I have walked thru fear and come out the other side. And the rewards of that are absolutely incalculable. And unmistakable.

A few nights ago I was at a meeting and I was talking about walking thru fear and what happens on the other side. And wouldn't you know, Gratitude filled me up so completely that it began choking my voice and leaking out my eyes.

So, as the title says, fear stops me. At times. And sometimes it does not. Sometimes I can successfully walk thru that fear and come out the other side and the Joy and Wonder that I experience in that moment is beyond belief.

And now, my question for you. Where are you stopped by Fear? What does Fear look like in your life when it shows up? How can you navigate your way thru that fear to get to the other side and have the life that you want?

And finally, How can I help you on this journey?

My final thought on this. Walking thru fear is not easy. Especially if you have a picture of yourself as Fearless. It CAN BE DONE!!!

And, the Joy is in the Journey, not the Destination.

Even for this.

May your Journey be Joyous and Fruitful.