Birthdays and Other Such Celebrations

 So. I am "celebrating" another complete journey of the Earth Around the Sun. AKA another year of life. AKA a Birthday. 62 years old.

Like most people I really enjoyed birthdays a a child. They were fun with the gifts, cakes, and other foods along with we were celebrating ME.

And, like most people, as I got older birthdays lost their luster. I just stopped caring about them entirely.

I am not anti birthday like an older sister of mine. I just don't think that they are important.

Yeah. I was born. As we all were. And yeah, I am going to die someday. As we all are.

What I find important is what I do in my life between those two. The dash between the dates on the obit or the headstone.

Just as I enjoyed my birthday as a child I liked all the other holidays as well.

Memorial Day. I did not yet understand the significance of this holiday. Just that there was parades and cook outs. I liked all that.

The 4th of July was just fun. The fire works. The parade. The small, usually church run, fair at the park. And lots of eating.

Labor day was another that I did not yet understand the significance of either. Again, cook outs. And the last freedom before the school year.

Halloween. Costumes and Trick or Treating with a sugar rush on demand for a few days afterwards. Oh Yeah!!! 😂

Thanksgiving. A food coma for days!!!

Christmas was gifts, celebration, and FOOD!!! Another one where a food coma was in the works.

And New Years. I was kinda ambivalent about that one. As a kid there was not much for me to celebrate here. It was all "adult" celebrating.

As I got older I got less invested in the various holidays. My life was complicated, still can be, and I developed a cynical exterior to mask the deeply insecure interior.

And I discovered various different substances that I could, and did, use to self medicate. And I went deeper into cynicism and self centeredness.

And New Years took on significance for me as I was now an "adult". I discovered all the "adult" celebrating. And it was on.

After a long time, as those of you who read my ramblings would know, and people who are in my life today would know, I eventually got sick and tired of being tired and sick and gave up the using of substances and thru a program of recovery in Narcotics Anonymous began to to give up the life and ways of being that went with that.

Later on, while doing the internal work that actually recovering from that life requires, I began to see that my aversion to holidays was actually a trauma response.

Growing up the members of my family and I experienced addiction first hand. There were adults in the family who were addicted to one degree or another. That lead to trauma in the children. Myself included. And, later in life, I became a volunteer and no longer a victim.

And I had a whole bunch of trauma reactions. Including not liking holidays or any other such celebrations.

Especially not my birthday. I really did not like to celebrate it. By doing the work of recovery I have gotten over my distaste for it, I will no longer just bitch and moan about it and resist anyone celebrating, and I still am not a fan of it. And people want to celebrate it then I will go along with it somewhat gracefully.

And I finally understand why I went from that small child who loved all celebrations to the cynical "adult" who did not want any celebrations to the accepting, mostly, "adult" who accepts them when they happen.

When I was young addiction was a part of my life both in the adults around me and, pretty quickly, myself. And the holidays and other such celebrations were always fraught with tension. At the minimum there would be fighting. Mostly verbal. Sometimes physical. And sometimes things would get destroyed in one fashion or another. There was always tension.

And while always walking on eggshells trying to not get things started somehow, I got traumatized. And I am very sure that the rest of my family did as well.

And PTSD entered my life. Although I did not know it. And Depression started to become a thing. And not liking any celebration of me or recognized holidays.

Of course that somewhat changed once I started using substances. As long as I could self medicate, IE use substances to change how I thought and felt, then celebrations were ok.

And I still hated it when attention was paid to me. I craved it, and yet feared it. Many years later I finally understood why I went from a kid who loved attention and showing off to someone who hated and feared attention. Whether being celebrated and recognized or any other way.

It all comes down to that when I was really young having attention paid to me shifted. Being noticed became bad news. Being noticed stopped being positive and became negative. It meant something was wrong and things were going badly.

So I started trying to not be noticed. While still having an outsized personality. What a dichotomy.

And those things are still within me today. I have worked on them. I have gotten better at not acting in those ways. And they are still there.

So today I am turning 62 years old. And I am ambivalent about it. A whole bunch of people on social media have wished me happy birthday. I have received a lot of text messages and even one phone call.

My most treasured thing is from my totally non technology friend who sent an actual birthday card thru the mail. I received it 2 days ago. Thank You Norman.

And, while I deeply appreciate all the wonderful thoughts and good wishes, I truly do, I am still ambivalent and a part of me is still wishing it was not happening.

Guess that I still have more work to do on myself.

My question for you, my very Dear Readers, is where are you made uncomfortable by Celebrations and Recognition? Are you willing to go on a journey of self discovery to get to it's exact nature? Are you willing to face the one person on this planet that is the most uncomfortable to face? IE, Yourself.

I promise you, that while the journey is uncomfortable, it is entirely worth it.

Namaste 💖