Principles Before Personalities

 Here is another thing that we hear around Recovery meetings a lot. Principles Before Personalities. Seems pretty straight forward on the surface. And yet, like so many other things, more will be revealed.

To begin, when I showed up in Recovery I had only one principle. Get mine. I was Self Centered and could only think about "My Needs". I had no Empathy or understanding that other people existed in their own lives and did not exist to cater to me.

So the first thing that had to happen was that I needed to learn some new principles to live by.

And the first ones that I needed to learn were ones that are directly mentioned in our Basic Text. It is in the part in the beginning of the chapter called "How It Works". And it says  "There is one thing more than anything else that will defeat us in our recovery; this is an attitude of indifference or intolerance toward spiritual principles. Three of these that are are indispensable are Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness. With these we are well on our way".

I thought, at that time, that I was Honest. That was a very convenient lie that I told myself. The only person who did not know that if I was speaking I was lying was me. The Truth was that I had lied to myself and the world for so long that I no longer knew what the truth was. As I have said many times, I no longer even had a waving acquaintance with the truth. There were times when I would lie when the truth would have served me better. And I lied because I no longer knew how to tell the truth.

I really thought that I was open minded. HAH!!! I was very narrow and close minded. Anything that was not in my already narrow view was met with hostility and suspicion. If it was not my idea then it was wrong. A new idea in my head? Not a chance.

Willingness. Another idea that was no where near the reality. It turns out that when one is a liar and narrow minded that one is not willing to do anything outside of what is "known" in any way. And doing anything where I did not have a very good idea of the outcome was a definite no no.

So that is what I was when I showed up.

So I had to learn HOW to be Honest, Openminded, and Willing. A very tall order for me.

Especially the Honest part. I could be surface level honest, IE tell you the truth as I understood it. However, I had been lying to myself for so long that I no longer knew what the Truth was. I often lied not because I wanted to, because I did not know what the truth was. What I thought was the truth was not. So the first thing I really needed to learn was how to be Honest with My Self. And that was really uncomfortable.

I also, simultaneously, had to learn to Be Open Minded. I had to become open minded to the idea that what I knew how to do was not working and I had to let some fresh ideas in. The Great I Am could no longer be. It had to be the Great We Are.

And, concurrently, I had to become Willing. Willing to do all the work needed to become Honest and Open Minded. Willing to be so completely Uncomfortable in acknowledging that I had not been Honest or Open Minded or Willing for a very long time. And, if you have never had to do this then congratulations. And it is a very uncomfortable process.

And, it is a process that, for me, is a life long process. In every moment I must choose whether I will be Honest, Open Minded, and Willing or not. And when I am not paying at least a little bit of attention I can stop choosing and go back to my default. Which is the total opposite.

Dis-Honest, Close Minded, and Unwilling.

And that is not who or what I want to be any more.

And there are other Principles that I had to start learning as well. Each one of the 12 Steps has a Principle behind it. What is called a Spiritual Principle. Those Principles are, Acceptance, Hope, Faith, Courage, Honesty, Patience, Humility, Willingness, Brotherly/Sisterly Love, Integrity, Self Discipline, and Service.

Quite a bit. And it is a much better Way of Being and Living than what I was doing before. By far.

So here I am, going thru my life doing my best to live by these principles, of which some days I do better than others, and every day seeking  better understanding of what they mean to me in my life. Another Life Long Journey.

So, we just took a very long way around to finally set the stage for what I am here for. To talk about Principles Before Personalities.

Because, as many times as I have heard this over the years, and as many different people as I have heard say this over the years, with so many varying stages of where they are in their Recovery, I think that there is, still, a Fundamental Mis-Understanding of exactly what this term means.

We all have a personality. And not all personalities are going to get along. I can think of a person who was in my life for years, I would see them at a lot of different meetings, who was very different from me. We just were not meant to share the same oxygen as the other. We just clashed on many different levels. We did not act on it often, we kept the peace for the most part. And it was so.

And now we get to what this is about. Who's personality did I need to practice principles before? The other person's? Or mine?

I have heard so many people, people who I thought, in my not at all humble opinion, should know better, say something to the effect of "I really had to practice principles before that person's personality".

And that is the fundamental mistake. If I practiced principles before the personality of the person I talked about above we would have constantly been in conflict. It is MY personality that I must practice principles before.

It is I who must practice the principle of Acceptance. I must accept that this person in the place and time we are in at that are moment is exactly who they are and that not only can I not change them. That I have no right in this universe to even think that I should. And If I try then my life will get unmanageable very quickly.

And I need to practice Hope in that I have the Hope that I too can be restored to sanity about this person and know that it is not my place or right to try and "fix" them.

And I must practice Faith. The Faith that if I practice these Principles Before I allow my Personality to show out then I will be ok no matter what happens.

Another words, something that I am constantly reminded of, if I Trust The Process, then I will be ok.

I could go on. And I feel you are probably seeing where I am going with this.

My Personality wants to Dominate and Control. And when I am in that mode then I am like an out of control bull dozer. I am creating a trail of wreckage and hurting a lot of people. Plus, I am damaging my own self with stress and adrenalin. Shame and guilt will show up later.

These Principles that I have been taught, and am still learning, wants me to be at peace. When I practice these then I am at peace with my self and the world around me. I can be me, and you can be you. And if we do not get along and we need to be in the same room, then I can accept that and not need to let you know what I think and feel around that.

A much better world for all in my opinion.

So, my Dear reader:

• Where are you having a hard time being a principled person?
• With whom does your blood boil and your principles fly out the window?
• Are you willing to learn how to peacefully co-exist with people and situations that you are having a hard time doing so at this time?

I promise you, if you want to find a way to be peaceful in your life in places where you are not now, that you can do it.

So, find a path that works for you. Find a Way of Being that brings Peace to your life and Practice it.

After all, if I can do this thing, then anyone on this planet can do this thing.

I Promise.

Namaste ✌