What Does Fear Look Like

 As anyone who has followed my ramblings know I have been dealing with Fear my entire life. Or at least as far back as I can remember. And I can remember.

For example, the earliest memory that I have I was less than a year old. I was in the backseat of an automobile. In the front seat two people, whom I knew were my Mother and Father, I knew their voices, arguing. About what who knows.

What I do know is that I was afraid. Not because of what was said. I had no context yet for Language so the words, that I did not even understand that were words, meant nothing to me. It was the tone, the volume, the vibe, all of it was expressing what I now know as Anger and Fear.

And that was the extent of any understanding. Way deep down inside where Language does not exist I Knew that this was bad, danger, etc. And I was afraid.

I did not know yet that I was afraid. And again, deep inside where Language did not yet exist, I Knew that this was wrong, and I did not like it.

And I am pretty sure that it was at this point that I began my lifelong process of avoidance. In recovery this is sometimes referred to, in a semi joking manner, as Avoidance Therapy.

So sometimes Fear can look like Avoiding things that make one uncomfortable.

For example, as I am writing this I keep wanting to stop. To avoid writing this. Because it is bringing things up that make me uncomfortable.

Part of Avoidance is distraction. And what that looks like is all of a sudden one has a million other things to do with their time. For example, one is doing an important thing, something to build a desired future say, and one reaches the point where it is the point of no return. Now one must pull the trigger on some things and hope that they work 'cause there is no going back.

And all of a sudden all these distracting things show up. And it is like one must get this done NOW. And it does not even have to be big things. It is just anything that will drag one away from the thing that is scary. The action that commits. All because one is afraid, that it might not work, that one will not get the desired or expected results, or whatever. One is afraid and one is distracted.

Another way of distraction is Analysis. Which is sometimes called Paralysis by Analysis.

In my experience this shows up as uncertainty. All of a sudden one is really unsure of the next step or action. Or whatever is next. And this must be looked into before anything can be done. So one goes and investigates. And investigates some more. Ad infinitum. Until everything just fritters away and is gone.

And then there is, of course, everyones favorite way that fear shows up as distraction, Procrastination.

For me procrastination usually shows up as a continuation of one the above ways of avoidance slash distraction. I will get to it later keeps getting extended and extended until it turns into never. It gets real easy to procrastinate after a short while. And procrastination works really well with other distractions as the excuse. "I'll get to it later as I need to get this done". "I'll get to this later as I need to get just one more bit of info about this". I will get to this later because ...".

Fear can also show up as Overwhelm. I went thru that recently. Very recently. And when overwhelm happens it just feels like this is too much and I have no strength to deal with ... And when that happens to me then I can get thru the day to day stuff that I have. And I cannot do anything more.

Fear can also show up as Anger. Even Rage. This is usually, not always, a fear of the consequences of what has happened. IE, I am about to get something that I do not want. Or fear that one will not get something that one does want.

There are a lot more ways that fear can disguise itself. You get the idea I hope.

The thing that works hand in glove with all of the above, especially anger, is Blame. When I can have any one of the above behaviors going coupled with blame then I am off the hook. When I can pull out that old Blamethrower and go to town then the pressure is off. I can do nothing except blame.

So there it is. A brief look at how Fear disguises itself. It is ugly. And oh so Human.

So my questions for you are:

• Are you locked and loaded in fear a lot?
• Do you know when what you are feeling is fear?
• Do you understand how often you are feeling fear and it feels like something else?
• Is your Way of Being still working as well as you wish?

In my life, before and after recovery, I have exhibited all of the ways that Fear can disguise itself at times. And I have not always caught it in time before doing damage.

In my life I have at times, especially in the last decade or so, exhibited all of the ways that one can see what is really happening and grow and become better.

I wish that I was better at the growing and becoming better. Alas, I am human.

So, my Dear Fellow Humans, know that we can all Grow, Become Better, and Be Happier.

Because if I can do this then anyone can.

Namaste