When Did I

 From 1987 to 1990 there was a television show called "My Two Dads". Was a pretty decent show from what I saw, which was not much. I saw maybe a half a dozen episodes. That was about it.

There was this one scene that I saw that I have remembered ever since. It is the only scene that I remember from that show. That is how powerfully it impacted with me.

In this scene the daughter, who was twelve or thirteen I think, had done something that was considered rather bad and one of the two dads, played by Paul Reiser, was taking her too task. He was obviously angry and while not quite yelling was very intense. And his hand, with his index finger extended, was shaking in her face.

And in mid career he just stopped. He put his hand in front of his face, with his hand clenched and index finger pointed up, said with a mix of surprise and ugh, "When did I grow my father's finger"?

That is the only thing that I remember from that show. I felt like it was important, did not really understand it yet, and knew there was something there for me. And all these years later I can still see that scene in my head very clearly.

On a lighter note, there are some commercials going around these days, selling insurance I think, where the idea is to help stop young home owners from becoming their parents. And it is fairly funny in it's approach and application. In my view.

Now the first one, from my two dads, really began to resonate with me years later after I entered into recovery from addiction. In the process of recovery thru the 12 Steps I began to get to know who I am. And as I pealed away the layers of who I thought I was and began to truly see who I am, good, bad, and indifferent, a very powerful thing began to happen. I began to understand the two most powerful male figures in my life. That being my Father and Step Father.

And I began to see, and even more has been revealed ever since, that in so many ways I had become the worst aspects of both of them. I will not go into that list here. Let is just say that this was not a comfortable experience in gaining that knowledge.

I had very many "When did I grow my father's finger?" moments. Way too many.

The reason that I am writing this today is that lately I have been thinking of a young man whom I knew on and off for years from when he was very young. I met him, his twin sister, and older brother when the older brother was three and the twins were one to one and a half.

I dated their Mother on and off for years. We had stretches that were good and stretches that were not so good. I loved her and I loved the kids. Still do. I know that she loved me. Do not know if she does or not now. The oldest is almost 26 and the twins will be 24 in a few more months.

The Mother and I have not dated, or even spoke to each other, in almost ten years. I still have a very long distance and tenuous relationship with the oldest and the female of the twins. I have not spoken with the male of the twins in about ten years.

When I was around for all those years I was very reactive to this kid. He was a wonderful youngster and also angry as all get out. And my relationship was not good. None of that was his fault. He was a young kid going thru all the things that happen when one's parents split up. And when the parents have a difficult time handling the breakup it shows up in how the kids are. Again, not their fault. It was a total failure of all of us alleged adults.

It was not all bad. The young man and myself did have some good interactions. I remember one time when myself, Mom, and the three kids went and spent a day at an amusement park. It was a ton of fun. The kids were twelve and ten as I remember. There were other times as well. The young man once told me that of all of his Mom's boyfriends that I sucked the least. I took that as a high complement.

It was only a few years after Mom and I had broke up for the last time that I began looking at the relationship between him and I thru the lens of the relationship between me and my Step Father. He showed up in my life when I was 5 years and just over seven months old. And, way deep inside, I said that this is wrong and got angry. And his and my relationship was never good.

He was always very reactive towards me. Because I was angry and very bad at not expressing that anger forcefully. I know, looking back on things, that in the beginning he tried. He really did. And there was no way that I was going to let him.

And it showed up many years later in my relationship with this young person. He was angry because I was in the place his Dad was supposed to be. And I was reactive.

So the wheel turns.

When did I grow my Father's finger?

When did I become all of the worst aspects of the two men who represented being a man to me?

Fortunately, I have a guide in how to live my life today. I am not anywhere near as reactive to people, places, things, or situations as I used to be. Today, instead of reacting, I can make a choice to do things differently instead.

I can respond today instead of reacting. Even when that means the best response is none. Which is hard for me at times. Yet, I can do that.

So my friends, what are your moments when you look at yourself and have the equivalent of "When did I grow my father's finger?" What are the times when you find yourself Reacting to people, places, things, or situations in ways that are old and programmed in that you wish that you would be different after it is over?

When did you "grow your father's finger?'

You do not have to stay there. You can evolve.

You can become a person greater than you have been.

After all, if a knucklehead like myself can, then anyone can.

This I know is true.