Resentment and Forgiving
From dictionary.com
I think that we have all felt the bitter taste of resentment at one time or another in our lives. It seems to be part of the human condition.
For me it was just a part of how I lived for a long time. I did not even understand that I resented things. I was, in my mind, just placing the blame for things where they belonged. I was also, in my mind, justified for all of it. After all, things had been done that were not my fault.
I had also completely disconnected my reaction to those things from the things themselves. I refused to see that my reactions to those things were harming me and everyone around me in many different ways. And, I was also refusing to be responsible for those reactions. After all, they were Justified by what had been done.
And there I was, unknowingly living inside the Triangle of Self-Obsession. For those of you who do not know this, it is made up of Resentment of the Past, Anger at the Present, and Fear of the Future. And yes, all of these things applied. I was resentful of the past, angry at my present, and definitely afraid of the future.
And all of this was fueled by my resentment against all those who had "wronged" me. In my mind. And they were "justified" remember. Not my fault so completely not my issue.
There is a common saying in the rooms of recovery that I think is really important to get here. It says "Resentment is like me taking poison waiting for someone else to die". Resentment eats me alive and has very little to no affect on the object of my resentment.
So I had to let go of my resentments in the 12 Step process. In order to do this I had to Forgive all of those people, places, institutions, and situations that I resented.
And there was my battle within the battle. I had to get rid of my ideas about what forgiveness meant. And those ideas were more than a little bit messed up.
In my head Forgiving meant Forgetting. Forgetting all of the things that had happened. In my head forgiving meant having a friendly relationship with said person, persons, places, intuitions, or situations. In my head forgiveness meant acting as if bad things had never happened.
So for years I had an impossible situation where I thought all these impossible things were being demanded of me.
Somewhere along the way I began to allow new information to enter into my way of being. I began learning how to be responsible for my own self and the actions. And that began to free me from my chains.
As this went on I began to be introduced to a new way of seeing forgiving as well. I began to see that, at it's basest level, forgiving meant that I was putting down the anger and resentment towards whatever it was that I was forgiving. I was allowing myself to go forward in life without that immense load that I had carried for so long.
Later on I learned that forgiving also meant that I was no longer trying to create a different past. That I was giving up trying to control the past and how everyone else saw that past. Just letting the past be what it was without any more effort on my part.
I also learned that just because I forgave whatever it was that I did not need to invite that person, place, institution, or situation back into my life. Forgiveness does not mean a relationship.
Forgiveness also does NOT mean forgetting. It does mean letting go. It does not mean to forget. The old thing about forgive and forget gets it completely wrong. If I forget then I am just setting myself up to be done as before in whatever fashion that was. Let go of the event. Do not let go of the lesson.
As I was getting further on in this process I began to notice that I was getting more comfortable inside my own skin. That I was becoming relaxed about life. That I was not taking myself so seriously any more. And, most important, that I did not have to be right all the time now. I was relaxing.
I also began to see all the places where I hoped that others would forgive me. For, as was said many times, as I began to forgive I began to see where I had wronged and hoped to be forgiven. Not for me. For the person, place, situation, or institution that I had wronged. Because I wanted the good things of Forgiving to happen for others. Those that I had wronged. I wished for them to be able to put down whatever resentment they had for me and stop carrying that load in their life.
And I began to, finally, be able to live on the other side of the Triangle of Self-Obsession. And that is Acceptance of the Past, Love of the Present, and Faith in the Future. I was finally able to start spending more time in the Positive side of life and less time in the Negative side of life.
And, Disclaimer: I cannot practice this anywhere near as well as I can talk and/or write about it. This is, like everything else, an ongoing journey of self discovery. And every moment more is being revealed.
As a friend of mine says, I am better and I am not yet well 😇😂
So there ya go folks. My take on Resentment and Forgiving. I hope that you have gotten something for yourself out of it. I know that I have.
May the Force be with you All
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