Amends

From dictionary.com/

noun

(used with a singular or plural verb)
Synonyms:
restitution, redress

   reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.

   Obsolete. improvement; recovery, as of health.

idioms:

make amends, to compensate, as for an injury, loss, or insult.

   I tried to make amends for the misunderstanding by sending her flowers.

noun:

(functioning as singular) recompense or compensation given or

gained for some injury, insult, etc

   to make amends

Origin of amends:
First recorded in 1275–1325; Middle English amendes, from Middle French, plural of amende “reparation,” noun derivative of amender “to repair, correct errors in, improve the condition of”; see amend

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When I was growing up a lot of things happened. A lot of those things were things that had a very negative affect on me, on those around me, and our lives. And, over time, I also did some things that had a very negative affect on me, those around me, and our lives.

Many years later I was in a position where it was either face all these things or just stay miserable and probably die by my own hand. It was a very bleak place to be in.

I began what I now know is a lifelong journey of recovery.

And in that journey I have had to face all of those people, places, things, situations, and institutions that I resented for whatever reason that I may have had. In most cases I had to learn how to put aside all the things that they may have done in my direction and focus on the things that I had done in their direction.

It was difficult to give up my resentments. Because those resentments justified everything in my life and insured that I was not responsible for anything. It was their fault so there was nothing for me to do.

So I wrote. And wrote. And wrote some more. And somewhere along the way I was finally able to start putting all those things that had been done to me aside and began to be able to get some clear vision on those things that I had done.

Very Humbling.

And, I also began to get clarity on those things that did not belong to me. I had spent so much of my life taking on things that were not mine while ignoring and/or denying things that are mine.

Also, Very Humbling.

So I did the deal. Wrote Steps 1 thru 7 and went over them with my Sponsor. Got a very clear view of who I am and who I do not want to be. Even more important, began to be able to see who I wanted to be.

And when I got to Step 8, where we write a list of the people we have harmed and become willing to make amends to them all, I found that I had all the willingness in the world already. Because I had a very clear view of exactly what MY part was in all of these things that I had done. I had a very clear view of exactly how ugly I was when acting within those parts of myself that was ok with being nasty to people, places, situations, etc.

And then we have Step 9. Where we make direct amends to such people where ever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. And I had to learn exactly what amends is.

One of the first things in that process was learning what amends is not. It not apologizing. An apology may or may not be needed in this process. And that is not the amends.

Amends is owning my own Actions, Attitudes, and Behaviors in relation to the People, Places, and/or Institutions that I had wronged. Without excuses. Without minimization. Without any recitations of why it was not really my fault. Without and justification or blame. Just owning my life and everything about it completely.

And then I ask if there is anything that I have left out or forgotten. Anything that they feel that I need to own that I have not already stated. And then shut up and listen. No matter how uncomfortable I feel.

And then I get to own whatever parts of that there is for me to own there. And again, no matter how uncomfortable I am feeling with all this. I have to own my whole life and everything about it.

After that I then ask them what it was like for them when I was doing the things that I was doing. And again, shut up and listen. No matter how uncomfortable I get. It is here that I get the true impact of my actions, attitudes, and behaviors on others. And it is usually very uncomfortable.

Now I get to tell them what I want to do to mend the situation, amend it, as much as is possible to do so. If it fixing something I broke, replacing an item, repaying money, or some other action, whatever it is. And then ask if they need something in addition to or instead of.

All the while acknowledging that some wrongs can not be amended. Not in whole or in part. And doing the best that I can do in that situation.

I also had to learn, sometimes painfully, that my desire to make amends is not their obligation to let me. I do not have the right to force things just so that I can feel better about myself.

In this entire process it always must be me owning it and nothing else. And I cannot have any expectations of how they will react or respond. Just be present and open.

So that is direct amends.

There is also indirect amends, or living amends.

I believe that these begin the moment that I make the choice to stop using and and start learning how to be a better human being. A person of Recovery instead of a person of chaos and destruction.

And the indirect amends continues as I keep working on becoming a person who no longer does harm and damage reflexively.  It continues as I keep contributing to society instead of just taking all the time. It continues as I keep stating in integrity instead of always having no integrity at all. It continues as I continue to be a functioning member of society.

And indirect amends also means doing good things for others and being quiet about it. Anonymous Giving, Helping, etc. Where I do not seek recognition and in fact make recognition hard or impossible. That is also indirect amends.

What this all adds up to is a slightly better world for everyone. Because when one is actively working on healing themselves and others in this life, it contributes to the over all wellness of the entire world. It helps in every aspect, Mental Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual. Healing anything helps to heal everything.

So, while I cannot make amends in every place that I feel that I should, people have died, or I cannot find them any more, or to address the situation would cause more harm, which I have no right to do, I have made every direct amends in this world that is possible under those restrictions, and continue to live indirect amends to the best of my ability every moment.

And in that way I continue to do what is possible for me to make this world a better place.

My question, have you people in your life where you have caused harm and need to amend that harm? Are there paces in your life where you feel shame, guilt, etc, and wish to make it better? Do you need help to figure these things out?

I promise you that if you undertake that journey you will have to face yourself in ways that are massively uncomfortable.

And I promise you that the journey is worth it in ways that you will never understand until you do.

Namaste 🙏