If You Want Things In Your Life To Change

 ... you have to change the things in your life.

Or, as we say in recovery, "If nothing changes then nothing changes".

For a long time in my life I was trying to control the chaos around me by controlling all the people, places, events, and situations that were going on around me. I used the many tools manipulation to the absolute best of my ability. And failed. Completely.

It never occurred to me that I would need to change myself, along with the people, places, and things around me. Because Change was a big, nasty, scary word with MEANING. And that meaning was Bad.

And, in time, I came to a place of utter desperation where I had a choice, either do something radically different or just die and get it over with. And it was a razors edge difference in a just barely stronger will to live that won out in the end.

And I had to give up control in order to do this. That was not fun. Nor was it easy.

So I began to change the things in my life.

I no longer hung out with the people that I used to hang out with. I had to find new people to hang with. Fortunately I was introduced to a structure that was designed for this.

I no longer hung out in the places that I used to hang. I had to find new places to go. And, again, I had the structure that I was introduced to that was very helpful with that.

And I had to find new things to do and use as tools. Again, the new structure was monumentally helpful with this.

And, most of all, I had to transform the person that I ignored in the mirror every day. And once again, that structure was crucial to doing this.

And because I was no longer being the person that I had been, was no longer going to the people and places or using the things that I had been before, I was replacing them with new people and places and things, the situations that I found myself in changed. No longer was I putting myself in helpless, killing situations that I could fail at and feel miserable about.

And in doing all of this I began to see that the biggest thing that I had to make different was the choices that I made.

And it began in that moment when I chose to do things radically different from everything that I had done before, despite the terror that I felt at doing anything different, and then stuck with it thru all of the difficulties that showed up, and continue to show up, along the way.

So, I wanted the things in my life to change and had to change the things in my life.

And the first thing that I had to change was me. And everything about me. And that began with a moment to moment choosing of Life instead of a default setting of choosing Death on the installment plan.

And when I began making different choices I then had to make choices about Who, What, Where, and When that supported those choices. After all, I can make different choices all day. And if that is not reflected in the actions that I am taking then am I really making different choices? Or am I just making sound and fury that ultimately mean nothing?

The latter I think.

And now I am again at a crossroads. And in one direction is the same thing. And there is nothing bad about the same thing. In fact it is a pretty good thing over all.

It just does not fit me any more as it is constructed.

In the other direction is a lot of uncertainty and some risk. Not terrible risk. Yet risk just the same. And I can see a blurry outline of a most excellent outcome, with a very unclear path from where I am standing to where this blurry outline is.

And when at a fork like this I often get stuck. Really stuck. I want to go in the direction of that blurry outline of possible good and am so afraid that it will not work and I will, once again, fail, is overwhelming. And with that I, once again, perceive My Self as a Failure.

(I wrote about the difference between Failing and Being a Failure HERE Several months ago).

So now, as I finish writing this, I get to the purpose of this ramble. A purpose that I was completely unaware of until this moment. I am going to finish this and then, right now with no distracting actions in between, take the next step towards the blurry outline that I can see ahead. I cannot see the whole journey, not by far. And I can see the next step. And isn't that part of Being the Change that I wish to see? Just taking the next step?

I remember in the movie "The Secret" one of the influencers was talking about driving across country at night. And they said, completely paraphrasing, it has been years, that with the headlights at night one cannot see the whole journey, one can only see a short distance ahead. And as you roll along you see the same amount ahead and the miles continue to roll out. They also talked about this being the way ones life tends to work as well. We cannot see the whole thing, we can only see the part right in front of us in that moment. Our job is to keep rolling.

So, I want things in my life to change. And that means that I have to change the things in my life.

And one of the biggest things is going thru the Fear and the Overwhelm and doing the next thing. Doing the thing in front of me. And trusting that things will work as needed to arrive and that blurry outline, that it will become less blurry until I have clarity, that no matter what I will be ok.

So here we go.

Namaste 🙏