A Variety of Thoughts About Everything

 At the end of the First World War, AKA "The War to End All Wars", there was a huge backlash throughout the world Especially in Europe in Germany and Italy. Japan was already on it's Imperial Expansonism so I do not consider them a Backlash or Reaction. Their course was already set. In Italy there was a fear, based in some reality, that the nation was not really going to get any of the benefits of being on the "winning" side of the war. And the economy was already hurting and showing no signs of improving. In Germany they were taking the entire blame for WW1. Everybody knew that every single European power shared the blame for that war and the "winning" side made Germany shoulder all of it. And they Militarily and Financially crippled Germany for the forseeable future. France began a period of political instability, changes in Government on a regular and ongoing basis, and fear based holding onto everything that had not worked in the past that was hidd...

 I have never felt like I quite fit in anywhere or any time in my life. I was always, it seemed, the outsider looking in, longing to be in there, and never quite knowing how to be. I also discovered, at a very young age, that I look at things differently than the rest of the human race. Not better. Not worse. Just differently. So here I am, having no real connection to te rest of the human race, deeply wishing for one, having no idea how to accomplish this thing, and twisting myself up in so many different ways trying to BE someone else. And that someone else would change from one moment to the next depending on who I was hanging around with at the time. I became a total chamelion just trying to fit in with no idea of who I am. No connection to the SELF that is me. And my "life" went on. I continued trying to be human and failing. Continued trying to be connected to others and failing. Continued trying to be a part of and continued being apart from. Not a good way to experien...

“Standing on a darkling plain Shivering on a cold winters night Watching the stars twinkle above me Filled with sadness Deep and Bright” Kevin G. Farrell 1985 or 86 When I wrote that, it seems like a million years ago, I had just broken up with my first attempt at an adult romantic relationship. It was not purty and we should have never been together. It was a totally disfunctional and hurt filled attempt by two very wounded people. And yet, my feelings were real. I had no idea how to quantify them, or identify them, and no tools to try to deal with them, and this writing above came out of it. That was real. And so I kept stumbling thru life. Trying to be human and having no idea how to do this. Every once in a while a thing would happen and I would try to write about it. And would fail miserably. I am related to some writers. My Great Grandfather on my Mothers side was a preacher. He wrote sermons all the time. My Great Aunt on my Mothers side is an accomplished writer who started...

 Deanna Troi in Star Trek Picard Over the years I have done a lot of healing work of a few different types. And I am discovering that there is still so much more to do. That does not discount or discredit or in any way devalue what has already been done by any means. And, as a complex Human Being, as we all are, I am discovering that I got into the "easier" shit and have not really tackled the really painful deep core stuff. So let me unpack that for you. Every moment of my life that I can remember I was running away from life. I especially ran away from feelings as they were really overwhelming. Not only do I experience emotions on a very strong and deep level, I had no one in my life who was really able to show me how to experience these emotions safely. And in runing away from life I caused myself and everyone around me considerable harm. And kept trying to run away from the shame, guilt, self loathing, etc that all of this caused. I was caught in a never ending cycle of h...

 I have a bunch of Limiting Beliefs. I acknowledge that this is so. And, over the years, I have embarked on many different paths in order to get past them. The most successful path to date has been the 12 Steps of Recovery as practiced in the fellowship of Narcotics Anonymous. It has had, and continues to have, a profound effect on my life. The other path that I have had great success with is the Landmark Curriculum for Living, which consists of the Landmark Forum a 3 day and one evening course where each day is 13 hours long and the Tuesday evening is about three and a half hours long, a 10 week 3 hours once a week Seminar which is included in the price of the Forum, the Advanced Course which is the three days and a Tuesday evening course, followed by the Self Expression and Leadership Program, which is aout 3 months long with three hours once a week and 1 13 hour Saturday every month. For me the 12 Steps of Narcotics Anonymous was the most valuable of these experiences. It did no...

 When I was seven years old I was mowing the lawn at the place we lived at. Probably a little too small to be doing this with a powered mower. Was a different day. Somewhere along the way I was going down the yard and saw a rock in front of the mower. I stopped and stepped in front of the mower to pick up the rock and toss it out of the way. At the exact moment that my foot went in front of the mower it moved down the hill and chopped a piece out of my big toe on my left foot. I jerked back and screamed loudly. I was very quickly hustled into the car and driven, not to the Emergency Room, to our family Doctors Office. I was told years later that a phone call had been made and they were expecting us. The Doctor, as he examined my toe, was having a conversation with my Mum, and paying much more attention to that than he was my injury. Too this day my left big toe nail grows deformed. My Mum told me years later that he was bitching at her about some bill she owed him. And she did not ...

A year before I was born my older brother Graeme was killed in an accident. That death had, and still hs, a profound effect on my family to this day. Other than that I was very lucky. I really had no deaths of people that I knew and cared about for most of my growing up life. However, as I have written recently, the family moved from a tiny little town and school where I knew, at least by face, everyone in the school and where an older Sister and Brother went to that school as well as a younger sister that had just started, to a much bigger town with several different schools and I knew no one in the school that I went to except the younger sister. And we had seperate recesses so did not really see each other. What I did not understand was that I had the death of all of the relationships at the previous school, all the teachers, the school itself, the house we lived in, the school bus drivers, to mourn. And I never did. I never thought of those things as Relationships. So here I am try...