A Variety of Thoughts About Everything

 Many years ago, I was about 10 or 11 years old I think, my Step Father, Henry, decided that I was to be the family dishwasher after dinner every night. To say that I found this idea repulsive would be a bit of an understatement. I found it that and horrifying. So I made an instant, and emotional, not intellectual, decision that I was not going to do this. I already had major resentments and was defiant as all get out. I did not make a huge and noisy scene about it, I was much "quieter" than that. I would stand in front of that sink full of dishes for hours and literally not touch one. And Henry would observe me to make sure that I did not sneak away or that no one stepped in to help me in any way. Was a very quietly run battle that was in effect very loud. Everyone was very aware of what was going on. And, I am sure, was a lot of baffled frustration and feeling powerless over this whole thing. Probably some trying to figure out how this was even going on. All unspoken. We ne...

 For my growing up and into young adulthood life I lived in several places. I called them Home because that is what you call the place you live. Or so I thought. In the year 1987 I entered into living in Brattleboro VT. And a funny thing happened. I began to understand what the word Home truly meant. Even through the chemically produced fog that I lived in at that time I began to see another life was possible and that Home was not just a place, it was an Idea, and a Feeling. So what was it about this place that I felt and thought this? Many things, some of them extremely ephemeral. And, while I could go into a list of those things, I do not believe they are important to anyone except me. We all have our own reasons for the places we call Home. But I do know this, it was the first place that I felt like I was accepted and belonged, despite the mess that was my life. It was a place where I could breathe and be, if not ok, at least not condemned. This quirky little artistic New Englan...

 It has been about a week since I last wrote anything. And this has not been because I have not had anything to say. Nope. When have I ever NOT had something to say? 😁 I always have something to say. It is because last weekend I had, while a very wonderful time with Family remembering my Aunt Rusty, a very stressful weekend. Not a lot of sleep with a lot of travelling. And then had a very full week of work. I was into overtime hours by Thursday afternoon. Between the two things I did not get a lot of sleep, and there was a lot of driving. I drive a company car and I get sent all over the place to do what I do. Not complaining. Setting the scene. As the week went on I found myself getting more and more tired. And during that I noticed that as I got tired my ability to effectively think about my job, my life, what I wanted to do in the world, was steadily diminishing. Little things were taking longer and bigger things were causing almost total shutdown. I got thru it all, and just b...

  Today I attended my Aunt Rusty's Funeral. It was a very Catholic Ceremony. Seeing as she had become a Catholic before marrying her husband that makes sense. After the funeral we went to the Cemetery where we had her and her Husband David's final internment. Again, a very Catholic Ceremony. And after that part we all had our own private little ceremonies in which to say Goodbye to two people that we loved. And back at the Hotel there was the true remembrance. My Mother delivered a very moving Eulogy, a bunch of different people shared a variety of stories that had people laughing a lot and crying, emotions happened. And all during this I was struck by how much we, the Living, needed this and how little those who have passed, Rusty and David, needed this. It is thus the Living not the Dead who need this. The Living need to find a way to let go. The Dead have already let go and moved on to whatever is next. And I am beginning to understand something that, while knowing it is tru...

  For years I have not liked driving on the highway. I have always felt rushed and hurried, a double negative if I ever saw one, whenever I drive on Interstates. I will add time to a journey whenever possible in order to avoid the interstate. So today I drove from my house in Vermont to a place in Connecticut, a little over a three hour journey, where it was almost entirely Interstate driving. Pretty much unavoidable. I usually drive at 7 to 8 miles above the speed limit on the highway. It is something that I have done forever. Because I am "always" rushed and hurried. So today I made a different choice. I chose to drive the speed limit the entire way down. The whole three plus hours of it. I was going to do this and see what it was like. Some very interesting things happened because of this. The first thing was, I did not feel rushed and hurried. For the first time in my history I actually was relaxed while driving on the Interstate. Interesting... And then I noticed that I ...

 In my job today I went to install Internet service at a person's place of business. I recognized the name as soon as I saw it. This is a person with whom I have had no interactions in at least 18 to 19 years. I got to the place of business and was not recognized. Dropped a couple of hints and then heard my name. Was fun. Throughout the job, in between me doing mine and them cleaning and prepping and such, we caught up on life etc. That was nice. And tonight it has had me thinking about all the people who have come and gone in my life over time. And the few who have come back later. And the ones who have stayed through it all. That being Family. I was also thinking about those that I miss. More than a few of them I have no idea what ever happened to them, where they are in their lives, or if they are alive. One of the ones that I thought of was a short man that I knew a long time ago in Canada. We were homeless at the time and our fave activity was trying to forget how cold and mis...

 I received some new shirts today from my job. Nice, rugged, company name tagged, short sleeve button up collared shirts. Very nice. And I realized that I needed to free up some closet space in order to be able to hang them. So I went in and did what I had been contemplating for quite a while, bagged up for donation some perfectly fine pants and shirts, sweatpants, etc, that I have not worn in years. And being honest, I will probably never be able to wear again anyway. I have some added padding since the last time I wore this stuff. And while I was doing this I experienced a feeling of lightening of the load. I had been carrying these things for a long while, even moved them from Greenfield MA to here with me, knowing my chances of ever donning them again were slim to none, emphasis on none. And while this was going on I was also thinking of the house in Greenfield. My housemate John was a hoarder. He lived in the house that his Father built, he had grown up in, and except for 6 mo...