A Variety of Thoughts About Everything

 Many, many moons ago I knew this guy. He was not a very nice example of humanity. At that time neither was I. He was older than I and had spent a tour and a half in Vietnam during America's wonderful little conflict there. And he had all the baggage that Vietnam Vets had. We used to sometimes get stoned together. And there were a few times when we were getting high I saw the strangest thing. We would be smoking and talking, usually about nothing important, and all of a sudden I would see it. His eyes would kinda lose focus and he would just go away. And I could almost see the films rolling behind his eyeballs. I knew somehow when this was happening to just be silent and still. And after a while he would come out of it and we would carry on as if nothing had happened. And I knew, somehow, that what I was witnessing was PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Was not until many years later that I understood why I knew what it was and how to act around it. Life went on. And I started n...

 I grew up in a household with a lot of weird stuff happening in it. This household revolved around addiction, the person who was the addict, and then all the effects that it had on the people around the addict, making for a very un-healthy environment. I know that the survivors still deal with the after affects to this day. When I was three years and eight months old my parents, in an attempt to save their already failing marriage, due to my fathers heavy usage of a substance, drove us from Toronto ON, where we lived, to Unity NH to my Grandmothers house, and then left us to go back to Canada. I did not see my Father for another 7 and a half years, until I was eleven years old. I did not see my Mother for about another two years, until I was five and a half years old. In the moment when they drove away I made a decision, there was something wrong with me and everybody was going to leave me. And I began to look at every relationship through those eyes. And it makes it hard to have ...

 For so much of my life I employed many different tricks to try and not feel. I was afraid to feel. And I felt everything so powerfully that was completely overwhelmed by those feelings. No matter what the feeling was. It was too powerful for me. So I became an escape artist. And escape from everything became my goal. My feelings, my family, my school, my life. I tried to escape it all. And was somewhat successful. And I continued my escapist activities for a few decades. And developed all of the actions, attitudes, and behaviors that one needs in order to escape reality. And that is really what I was running from folks, Reality. Because Reality was occurring for me as painful and overwhelming. For many years I kept trying to live life and failing. When one is not actually engaged in life and instead engaged in avoiding life, then it gets very painful. And I was, of course, trying to avoid feeling. Feeling pain especially. Eventually I got to the point where it was either do someth...

 Today marks sixty one years that have passed since I popped outta me Mum and started breathing on my own. And I am reflecting on a few very important things that I have learned along the way. And one in particular. For most of my life I took things VERY SERIOUSLY. Life was serious and I needed to be serious and that meant that I had to be in control at all times. And, of course, I was totally out of control on pretty much every level and absolutely miserable. I tried to have fun. I did not know how to. I could fake it, approximate it, pretend it, and never really have it. And then, again, being in Recovery from Addiction taught me a valuable lesson. I, gradually over a long period of time, learned to mellow out. And, like many other things, it was, and is, a process. One of the first ways that I had an awakening around this was when a friend told me a story from the liquid fellowship (That is my loving nickname for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous). It was the story of how a...

 For a very long time in my life I was probably in a state that today would be labelled Manic Depressive. I was constantly depressed and then would go through a period of hyper energetic positivity. I feel what I feel with great intensity. And all of this was, usually, based on some event outside of myself. I got a job, met a new bunch of people, moved somewhere new, etc. Add to this that I have always looked at the world differently than most people. I saw things in ways that other do not. Not better or worse, or right or wrong. Just differently. I can usually see multiple sides to everything. And even when I disagree with you completely, I can see why you think what you do and how you got there. And enter into this a high empathy quotient. I can feel what you are feeling. I know usually why you are feeling it. Put into the mix that I started studying Mythology and History when I was seven years old. I began to have an understanding of historical trends that most people are not ev...

 As anyone who reads me knows I had a motorcycle accident three day ago on Saturday. And my body is letting me know today that it is not happy with me at this time. Somehow, every single muscle between my beltline and neck got strained, and aggravated. And so sleeping is a new adventure. Getting from prone to sitting up is a new adventure in pain. Then standing up, same thing. So my body has taken some abuse. And I am in constant, mostly, low level pain as my body lets me know it is not a fan. So anyone who read my last knows that I was knocked unconscious during this accident. And thus, many of the details are unknown to me. I know that the clothes the first responders cut off me had a lot of signs of sliding on pavement. And my phone case is showing signs of sliding on pavement. Well, let me show you my helmet, which I am really glad that I was wearing: As you can see the impact cracked it and the dragging it along concrete scuffed the daylights out of it. Lot's and Lot's of ...

 I went on a motorcycle ride with my nephew Ethan yesterday, Saturday June 8th 2024. It was a great day for riding and I enjoy Ethan's company a lot. So it was fun. Later in the afternoon we went our separate ways. Life and all that you know. I was heading through Sunapee, Newport, Claremont, Charlestown, to Keene, and then Marlborough NH to go to a meeting. Had plenty of time and was taking it easy. No worries. Right? At about 5:20 in the evening I was coming up the hill out of Newport NH. It was one lane and there is a Left Turn only lane that goes to Unity NH coming up on my left. There is a car in the Left Turn lane waiting to turn. What I'm going to tell next happened in about 3 seconds. I was coming up behind the car waiting to turn Left, in my lane, and had about 30 feet before I would be in front of them and gone. All of a sudden a little white car pulled out from in front of them turning into my lane to go in my direction. So I panicked. I locked it up and went sideway...

 Two weeks ago I began a road trip. I was going to Ramona California, I have family there, for a few days and then going to Oxnard California, I have family there, for a few days. I drove my car and had a trailer with my motorcycle on it. One of my purposes was to ride my motorcycle with my younger brother in Ramona and my older brother in Oxnard. It was a three day drive out to Ramona. And a lot of people are surprised at this. I am surprised that people find it surprising. When I am on a road trip I go. I did not abuse any speed laws. I just do not stop unless needed. Gas, coffee, food, and a couple times a short power nap. I am a beast on a rode trip. The trip back was four days. And I will discuss this later. I am still a beast. I am also getting, much, older than I want to admit to myself. At the finish of this trip I have made a few observations. And I, of course, want to share them with you 😄 I found beauty in places that I did not expect. The biggest example of this are th...

Pronounced "Af Gee" For many years I was in emotional and spiritual pain. One of the main reasons was I was locked into a way of being that was never changing. I would change my outward appearance, my outward manner, everything about the outer world, and inwardly nothing would change. I was still the sad, scared, angry and self pitying little boy who was just trying to fit in. Eventually, in my young thirties, I hit an emotional and spiritual bottom. And in that moment had a very stark choice. Either live and become something other than what I was at that moment, something greater although I did not know that, or die and get it over with. I chose to live. I had just enough want to live to be able to make that choice. It was a really close thing. And I began learning how to live. I used 12 Step Recovery for the most part. I also participated in a few other transformational methodologies along the way. And the 12 Steps of Narcotics Anonymous is my grounding. It is where I live....

 I come from a big family. My Mother and Father had six kids, five of whom survived to become adults. My Mother and Step Dad had four kids, all of whom survived to become adults. My Father and his third Wife had one child, which survived to become an adult. The third wife, after divorcing my Dad, had 3 more children by three different men, all of whom survived to become adults. That is a lot of kids. and that became a lot of adults. And since then they have been reproducing. A lot. And the reproductions have, in a lot of cases, also reproduced. So there is a heck of a lot of us. And we each, as Human Beings, have our own little quirks. Weird little ways of being that help us to define who we are and distinguish us from others. And some of those quirks are really adorable, and some are not so adorable. All of which make us unique Human Beings. One of the things that is also true in my fam is that we have all had Trauma we have had to deal with. Some greater than others. And all of u...