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Tranformation and Becoming

Throughout my life I have been in places where I feel like I have finally become someone and feel like I am finally able to just be. And then it all falls apart and somewhere down the road I find that I have gone thru another transformation, and that I have now become something other than I was. And then I settle down again to another time of Being. And the trap is that I then think that I have arrived, that this is it. And feel as if there are no more transformations left now. The problem with that is that then gets me into a place of Being Stuck. And, as anyone who has ever had a car stuck in deep and sticky mud or clay knows, once one is stuck it is difficult to get moving again. It usually, almost always, requires assistance. And, for me, Asking for assistance, asking for help, is the one thing one must never do. When I was young, very young, I learned that one cannot ask for help. One will never get it. In fact, one will usually get the exact opposite of help. What I could not see...
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What does deserve got to do with it?

I was watching a blurb on a video channel from a fairly popular streaming show today. The scene was an elderly man talking to his very elderly Father and inviting him into his home for what is left of his life after years of estrangement. And at the end the Father said to the Son something to the effect of "I don't deserve this". And the Son replied "What does deserve got to do with it Pops"? And that kicked off a line of thinking that lead to this. A long time ago I went to a city that I had never been to before to visit family. A big event was happening and family from all over was coming to be a part of it. At that time I had about three and a half years in recovery from addiction. And one of the things that I had been taught from the beginning is to find a meeting when in a strange place. Well, this was a strange place indeed :-). So I called the local hotline. They told where there was a meeting about 15 minutes away from where I was in a little over an hou...
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If You Want Things In Your Life To Change

 ... you have to change the things in your life. Or, as we say in recovery, "If nothing changes then nothing changes". For a long time in my life I was trying to control the chaos around me by controlling all the people, places, events, and situations that were going on around me. I used the many tools manipulation to the absolute best of my ability. And failed. Completely. It never occurred to me that I would need to change myself, along with the people, places, and things around me. Because Change was a big, nasty, scary word with MEANING. And that meaning was Bad. And, in time, I came to a place of utter desperation where I had a choice, either do something radically different or just die and get it over with. And it was a razors edge difference in a just barely stronger will to live that won out in the end. And I had to give up control in order to do this. That was not fun. Nor was it easy. So I began to change the things in my life. I no longer hung out with the people t...
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The Purpose of Life

 I was watching a Youtube video the other day about the person's view of what the movie "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty", the 2013 version, really means. And they did well in explaining their view and why they thought of that. I may or may not go into that at some future time. And in one moment they got into the statement of purpose of Life magazine which is as follows: "To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, to draw closer, to find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of LIFE." Now that is a pretty bold statement of purpose.  In order for me to better understand I am going to break this down for myself. "To see the world". And, in this context, I take it as not just looking at it. I see this as in actually Seeing it. As in the old greeting "I See You". And that greeting says, to me, that I see and accept all of you as you are and are not. To See the world in that context is a very bold undertaking. "...
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Peopling. Ugh :-(

 There is, and have been, family visiting. Over the last few weeks there have been a lot of family visiting. And, to be clear, these are all people that I love and who's company I genuinely enjoy. They are extending invitations for me to join them in activities. And they are not asking me to do anything that I don't, usually, like doing. And I am finding myself really not wanting to do these things at all. So what the f**k is wrong with me? Wrong question. The real question is "What the f**k is going on with me"? So, there is a lot going on with me. And for the most part it has to do with I am really "unwell" financially and it effecting every area of my life. Including my mood and etc. Most visibly, I do not want to interact with people at all. And little things that would not normally be a deal are just irritating as hell. And other things that are minorly irritating that usually I handle without a lot of stress are just majorly irritating and I am biting ...
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Control By Any Other Name

I was reading one of those things that have been showing up on my Social Media pages lately that are "inspiring" stories of people throwing off chains that have been forged by "family obligations". I usually find them interesting in that the lengths that the people in these stories have allowed themselves to get to in order to be manipulated is usually pretty fantastic. Not saying that it cannot, or does not, happen to that extent, I just find it amazing that people have this little self awareness that they allow themselves to be put into these positions. And I digress. Near the end of one of these stories the protagonist said "Martyrdom is just control in a nicer outfit". That landed for me pretty heavily. I could identify with the statement for a lot of different reasons. I have been a person that manipulates others, in a very nasty way, in order to get what I want from them. And I have, at times, been surrounded by people who manipulate me in order for ...
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American ShutzStaffel

 During the 1920's and 30's Adolph Hitler had a uniformed cadre of thugs called the SturmAbteilung commonly called the SA. They were also known as the Brownshirts, because they had Brown Shirts and Brown Pants as their uniform. They were the Terrorist Arm of the Nazi Party which he used to create havoc and disorder which he then blamed on Jews, Communists, Liberals, Trade Unions, and basically anyone whom he did not like. Somewhere along the way there was a unit formed within the Brownshirts called the ShutzStaffel. and their shirts were Grey and their Pants were Black. Originally they were considered the "Elite" unit within the Brownshirts and were Hitler's bodyguards. They were commanded by a little known person by the name of Heinrich Himmler. Once Hitler gained power he did what every dictator has ever done. He turned on the people who got him there. In 1934, about 6 or 7 months after he got into power he had the Night of the Long Knives. And that is where he ...
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What Democracy Looks Like

 I went to the yesterdays No Kings in America protest. And, even more amazing, my 89 year old Mother, who has never protested anything like this in her life, went with me. She has been politically active in her life. Always from the inside. She was, for example, part of the Sullivan County NH campaign committee for Jimmy Carter in 1976 and Sullivan County campaign chair for him in 1980. So always within the system. Never from outside of it. For two hours she sat in a folding chair and, sometimes with a sign in front of her and sometimes no sign, waved at the people driving by who were honking and waving at us. Standing and walking hurts so her just walking from the car to where I set up her chair was painful and then walking back to the car after. I ran around talking to people and getting pieces of people's story, when not standing next to Mom saluting cars that were honking and waving. I was in the Army many moons ago and still know how to render the hand salute properly. After t...
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Empathy

  noun 1) the psychological identification with or vicarious experiencing of the emotions, thoughts, or attitudes of another. She put an arm around her friend’s shoulders and stood by her in silent empathy. 2) the imaginative ascribing to an object, as a natural object or work of art, feelings or attitudes present in oneself. By means of empathy, a great painting becomes a mirror of the self. (Thank you dictionary.com) For many years I was, and sometimes still can be, a very self centered person. Everything was always about me. Usually colored by my many resentments. I had exactly zero empathy, or any real identification, for other people. It was aways about my perception of things and how I thought that things affected me. As a friend of mine used to say, It is always about me and usually in the worst possible way. And it was always filtered through how I felt about it. Which was almost always in the most negative way possible to feel about things. As a result I could never have a...
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Both Sides Are NOT The Same

 I was talking with a person a few days ago about a variety of things. And in that the topic of the killing of a Right Wing Hate Speecher that has recently happened came up. And the person I was talking with said something along the lines of, There are a lot of people celebrating the death of NAME and I think that is messed up. After they had said their piece I stated, again, something along the lines of, I am one of those people. I think that this person reaped as they had sowed. That they had called for violence and death against anyone who they thought was different. And they got the thing that they had wished on others. They reaped as they had sowed. As a set up for the next piece of dialog, a few months ago there was a person who went into the home of a very famous politician in order to kill this person. When they could not find the politician they took the politicians spouse prisoner and then proceeded to beat this spouse almost to death with a hammer. So the next thing out ...
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What Does Fear Look Like

 As anyone who has followed my ramblings know I have been dealing with Fear my entire life. Or at least as far back as I can remember. And I can remember. For example, the earliest memory that I have I was less than a year old. I was in the backseat of an automobile. In the front seat two people, whom I knew were my Mother and Father, I knew their voices, arguing. About what who knows. What I do know is that I was afraid. Not because of what was said. I had no context yet for Language so the words, that I did not even understand that were words, meant nothing to me. It was the tone, the volume, the vibe, all of it was expressing what I now know as Anger and Fear. And that was the extent of any understanding. Way deep down inside where Language does not exist I Knew that this was bad, danger, etc. And I was afraid. I did not know yet that I was afraid. And again, deep inside where Language did not yet exist, I Knew that this was wrong, and I did not like it. And I am pretty sure tha...
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The Paradox Of Recovery

  And Life. Paradox: (Thank you Dictionary.com) 1) a statement that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth. “Less is more” is a paradox often repeated in the arts and other fields. It is a paradox of healthy grief that we must work at it while surrendering to it. 2) any person, thing, or situation displaying an apparently contradictory nature. In the media the candidate was called a paradox—an unpopular populist. Synonyms:  riddle, anomaly, puzzle 3) a self-contradictory and false statement, especially one arising from seemingly acceptable premises and correct logical argument. 4) time paradox. 5) Also called  paradox illusion .  an optical illusion depicting an impossible object, often a two-dimensional figure that the viewer intuitively interprets as representing a three-dimensional one, but which cannot actually exist in three dimensions: brought to popular attention especially by the work of M. C. Escher. 6) Ar...
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Everything Happens For A Reason

I grew up in 'merica. Which means that the Christian Religion was a part of how things were. And are. And there were many times thru out my growing up years where I heard the above saying. A lot.  And for me that, like religion, just never worked. It never made sense to me. Just like religion never made sense to me. And I have heard it a lot in recovery as well. People keep saying "Well everything happens for a reason". And I find that irritating a hell. For me, when one says that, they are basically denying that they have any power in their life. That this "god" of theirs is responsible for everything and they have "no choice" in the matter. Because "everything happens for a reason" is coded speech for their "god" has willed it to be. According to all of the "sacred writings" that I have ever read, which includes the christian bible, we are  creatures created in our creators image with free will. Free Will. Which means we...
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